Toilet roulette and road trips

We all know how fond of road trips I am. I see them as the last great travel method (apart from trains which I love). When I think about the road trips I've taken I always have a smile on my face. Don't get me wrong, there are portions of these trips I am sure that my brain has deliberately suppressed- the mind numbing stretches of straight road and more recently the kids niggling each other as we get close to the 10 minute concentration span they currently possess. So we have developed different ways to pass the time in the car  to ensure my blood pressure stays at a reasonable level.

Before I do that lets picture this  : Grand Pa on the Go and the family driving through The Death Valley into Nevada and to keep us entertained ( there were no radio stations) constantly re playing  Sesame Street cassette tapes that we could sing along to.

All 9 of them. Over and Over. Here's an updated version of one of these little treasures

How my parents stayed sane still mystifies me to this day. I see this as the true definition of hard core parenting.

image courtesy of  freefoto.com

If you wish to avoid this and are not interested in an in-car DVD's (or hard core parenting ) you need car games. Here's just two that we use :

The test of Patience - See how many games of eye spy you can play before you lose it completely.
The Crudity test - How many number plates you can turn into words before you resort to vulgar or slang words.
You get the idea.

Many years ago Grand Pa on the Go decided that we were all going to go to Noosa Heads. He was to attend a conference and we would stay on for a while as a family holiday.
This was back way , way, way before it became the thriving Mecca for tourists it is today.  The plan was simple we would drive up the Newell Highway on the way there to arrive quickly and come back along the coast on the way home.

Imagine my delight when I was told I was to sleep on the couch in the living room. Right in front of the TV.  Nothing can go wrong, its bolted to the wall - right ?

I'm sure my disappointment was evident when he trotted off to the car and produced a set of spanners, unbolted the TV, wheeled it into their room leaving me alone in the dark. It still ended up a great holiday and due to the very large pile of beach towels strategically placed between my sister and I by our wise parents the trip home was fine and by now we had graduated to the soundtrack of Grease - The movie.

One of the other treats of the road trip is discovering things. Like discovering that the red food dye in skittles made the Eldest break out in hives. A short trip to a doctors and some anti-histamines rectified this and we soon were back on our way.

Toilet stops are an inescapable part of the travel. You can say 100 or even 1000 times to your children - "take it easy and don't drink that 600ml Coke/Big M/ Gatorade all in one go"

 OR you could just not let them have it.

But for a father of my considerable experience , that's just the easy way out. I like the challenge of the roadside toilet roulette.

image courtesy of abc.net.au

There is nothing like pulling up to a toilet like the one above and opening the door for the first time and in that split second working out  how bad you really have to go. The beloved has passed on many occasions.

The reality of these trips is you will see more of Australia than you ever will by strapping yourself in a giant steel tube and allowing some guy you don't know hurtle you through the air at in-human speeds, to then bounce your way to another place.

And with all the global turmoil and strife sometimes the simple act of taking a photo of the kids, standing next to a roadside marker that was left behind by Bourke and Wills, and the expression on their faces expresses the true gravity and boredom excitement of the moment, is sometimes just priceless.

Of Mice and Men.......

The first time The Beloved One knew that she might have more than just a husband on her hands, came very early on in the journey. Grandpa on the Go has a small piece of land and he actively farms it on weekends. (more often now that he is retired). This means we had to do many things that for normal people wouldn't even be given a second glance.

But for the two of us it becomes an epic adventure.

So GP says to me  " Hey, we need to get the dead branch out of the tree before it falls on the fence and breaks it."

" Plus it looks like some good firewood"

The " tree " he is talking about is some 30 meters high and the " dead branch " is about 2/3's of the way up and wedged tight.

image courtesy of somewhereelse.com.au

So as we collected the necessary tools, the future mother of our kids followed us around, ready to help where she could. Grandma gently took her aside, patted my new bride on the hand and told her calmly " it's best not to watch dear" and off they went.

So off we went as well. The idea was simple we would tie a rope around the branch to stop it falling on the fence and then we would, with another rope pull it out of the fork it was stuck in.

It was agreed that Grandpa would hold the rope stopping the branch hitting the fence and I would dislodge it.

Like this, it seemed a good idea at the time

The tree brach went down,

The rope tightened,

And Grandpa went up.

Imagine a teabag in a giant cup going up and down banging against the side of the cup, except the cup is a 100 foot Gum tree and Grandpa is the teabag.

After he let go and dropped to the ground he hobbled inside, his knee now the size of a basketball. Grandma calmly went about getting ice packs and pain killers, she was after all quite used to this.

After we had all finished for the day and after fixing the broken fence, my wife said to me "At least now I know and it won't be a suprise later on."

and she was right.

Chicken does not come from a plastic packet

I was talking to a manager at work the other day and she was chuckling at the fact that whilst growing up in the country they used to decide what they wanted for dinner and then went and hunted/gathered it. Where as several of her nieces had thought that chicken etc - just came from the supermarket.

Grandpa on the Go has some land in the country and he has chickens. I know first hand they don't come ready to go on a plastic tray.

I'm going back about 20 years now, and he tells me he has two roosters, which is apparently one too many and he says to me "you gotta kill one and we'll eat it."

I figure he means go in there and shoot one of the roosters. No, not at all , he hands me the metal handle off the car jack and says just stun it and bring it out here and we'll cut its head off.

In the mean time, I'm having this internal discussion with myself

"Great, so I have to get it ?!! "


"How many Roosters have I killed to date ?" 


"Including this one ?"


"None, you idiot".

So in I go and single out one of the roosters. He sees me trying to push him into the corner and he knows something is up in chicken land. 
He picks up one foot slowly and flexes it and then puts it down, then picks up the other foot slowly and flexes it and puts it down, he did this carefully so I could see the dirty big spur on the back each of his legs.


He warily circled around me keeping his head slightly tilted and one baleful eye on me at all times. We dance like this for several minutes until I finally get it kind of cornered and I'm waving this metal bar like a flyswatter at it, then all of a sudden he jumps up feet first wings flapping and I'm flinching and swatting.

I open my eyes and he is lying on the ground stunned, unconscious and Grandpa does the rest.


As I plucked the feathers off the bird I was feeling pretty bad until I realized that wasn't guilt I was feeling, as his final hurrah the rooster had passed fleas on to me.


So spare a thought for your kids and do them a favor - show them where vegetables come from by planting  some in a pot and watch them grow.


And do it before some crazy relative tries to show them where steak comes from.........

Image courtesy of ebookee.org