Well, at least they didn't take that.....

One of the things they don't teach you in school or anywhere for that fact is - about being robbed.

And of course they don't because they assume the best about the world - just like parents who play pass the parcel and ensure everyone gets a prize.
But the reality is that for some of us, it will happen. And for some of us it will happen more than once.

I'm talking here about your house - not your kids under 12 football teams issues with bad umpiring by the way.

No one explains to you that sinking feeling in your stomach when you get home ( or worse wake up in the morning) and realize that - someone you don't know and didn't invite in - has been into your house and not only gone through your stuff but taken things that are yours.

On a side note I've often wondered that if they don't take stuff that you think is  valuable - does that mean it's crap ? I mean apart for photos and the like it's a bit of a blow to the ego if you think about it.

I've had the displeasure of being robbed many times, as I live in a suburb that is a bit of a magnet for people who need money for things that enrich their life ( so their brains are telling them anyway) and have no way to fund this, other than removing your stuff and exchanging it for cash at a significantly lower exchange rate than when you first purchased it.

Nowadays with improved security and an increase in the median house value, that propensity has decreased some what. But it doesn't mean they aren't still trying to get to my priceless odd sock collection.

And after the 3rd time it happens you kinda just fall into a routine - calling the police, the insurance company, the banks etc, but once you have kids it becomes very different. They don't have any experience to fall back on for this new problem.

This experience is new and terrifying. They figured you would keep them safe. They figured you would shield them from the evils of the world. ( they know it exists, just not in their area )

So all of a sudden just like I did when it happened to my parents, they realise they have to go through this.

The last time it happened to us it was a mini home invasion, they picked the  front door lock grabbed all the purses and wallets neatly laid out on the sideboard ( see where being organised gets you ! ) with the car keys and my sports gear and none of us (including Captain Incontinence ) were any the wiser.

I still fail to see the point of a guard dog that can not do exactly that, but anyway. We still live in hope that all the running around the back yard barking at the pigeons in the trees is basic training and will one day transform into preemptive 24hr protection.

If you think that some days your dealings with bureaucracy is difficult - try proving who you are to someone in the government without a single piece of identification. So it went like this - to get a temporary license you need photo ID, but the only photo ID I had was my license I explained to the brick wall.

The funniest part of the whole thing really came when the beloved came to pick me up from a triathlon in the hire car that resembled a pregnant roller-skate.
I basically had to disassemble my bike, fold all the seats flat, shove all the gear in around that and then make the kids walk home.

And then after they declared our much loved 4WD a write off due to " Bio Hazards present in vehicle " it's off we go to find a new vehicle to transport the ridiculous amount of things we seem to need to take when we go anywhere. Buying a car is a whole different matter and more than enough for a separate post.

We went through the whole unpleasant and came out the other side - hopefully - an awful lot wiser.

And I think the boys now understand that sometimes you might get none of your things back and sometimes you get back someone else's size 12 bikini.

At least they didn't take my odd socks, so the search for their lost mates continues........

Use it or lose it

I first  heard this statement when I was very young. It seemed such a "throwaway" line that could apply to almost anything.

Did it mean that if I didn't play with every one of my toys my parents would throw them out ?

Did it mean that things that sat in the corner of the house never being used would disappear ?
The whole thing just didn't make sense.

When I was in my teens , it seemed to be more a saying just for old people who sat around all day or office workers who sat behind their shiny Commodore 64's, after all  I was an over active teenager doing everything.

When I was in my twenties I was fine with it as I was still relatively active. My social life was taking off, so I was still doing all sorts of stuff. In fact I barely even thought about it.

When I was in my thirties I thought I was doing fine. But the when I look back at the photos - I was a big guy. Too much of a good time was being had.

And certainly very little activity was going on.

The Beloved and I got married and along came the kids and I started to get active again. After all try being sedentary with two boys and see how that goes.

So I've always tried to get some activity in to what ever were doing even down to simply trying to ride or walk to work.  We even try to ensure holidays encompass some physical activity. But when its 3 degrees outside and raining, the urge is somewhat lessened.

And how many of us have set out the training gear the night before and mentally decided what we're going to do, gone to bed only to wake up in the morning and have no difficulty saying  to ourselves - tomorrow.

So when I discovered this article This is the full study I was impressed. Somebody had actually taken the time to look at the old adage and see if it was true. A simplified version can be found here This is the Explain it like I'm Five version and it fuelled me on to continue being active.

Which leads me to why I am at the start line of what is arguably one of the more difficult things to do on a Sunday - a Triathlon.

The start line is at St Kilda beach and I have to really try not to worry about swallowing any water as it will probably kill me with all the crap that's apparently in it.

image courtesy of jenius.com.au

I'm wearing a fluoro orange bathing cap and seem to be the only person not wearing a wetsuit. There's a lovely southerly blowing ensuring I'm not only the coldest person there but also the whitest.

I'm sucking my stomach in and hoping that the others around me with chiseled abs are doing the same thing.

The waves on the water look little but the groups already in the water ahead of me look a bunch of black socks in a washing machine.

An hour and a bit later I'm done.

And I mean done.

Individually each activity is fine, but when you put them all together in one event the whole dynamic changes.

I did learn a couple of things along the way such as :

- You can't eat a muesli bar whilst riding a bike at 35 kph. Which is probably why they make everything for athletes in that disgusting, easy to consume "gel". Oh and by the way its not gel - its more like really thick snot.
- Always organise someone to pick you up from your event. It's very, very difficult to ride home afterwards.

So as I lay out my bike gear for the next days exercise, I wonder what the early morning discussion in my brain will sound like.......

Go
or
Not going..........

Intention

" The road to hell is paved with good intentions." 

It's a popular variation of the original saying thought to have originated from St Bernard of Clairvaux who said "L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs" (hell is full of good wishes and desires)


Intention can be best described as the specific action or actions that a goal or outcome is aimed at. For those that follow along and are also fans of Freakonomics you will also know about unintended consequences. 
That is - the outcomes that were unexpected or unforeseen.


It would be fair to say I'm the master of those !

I often compare intention to New Years resolutions, you start at the absolute hard line and then quietly adjust it as time and reality creeps in. So for example, when I was younger I would make lists of all the resolutions I had to achieve in that year. Come the end of the year and a variation of the original had been achieved (sort of). So I began to learn that you had to be careful with the original plan.

In our house it goes a little like this :

It was our intention that the new dog would sleep outside at night. The reality was after 90 seconds of howling at the door, The Beloved relocated up stairs for the night with the minions and left me to deal with the noise. The next day a re-design of the "sleep outside" plan was developed. So we will be installing a dog door, which I have to organise.

It was our intention the at the dog would not be allowed on the bed. The second morning he was home he whined quietly and The Organised one picked him up and he was on. Now he knows that if a sleep in is trying to be had he will get some time on the bed by making noise.

Which is what he does now

Image courtesy of jinglegraphicdesign.blogspot.com

Every morning.

It was our intention that we would save money by shopping at the market. With two growing boys the bills were climbing up and the plan was to continue the healthy eating but at a reduced cost. The problem is that there are 2 supermarkets within 300 metres of the house. And you know I hate driving, parking and the rest of the rigmarole. Even with two grandma trolleys it still over flows both and we haven't been to the market yet.

It was my intention that I would teach the boys about bicycle maintenance by rebuilding a bike we found abandoned on the side of the road. I now have 3 incomplete bikes in the shed in various parts and stages.

None of them work.

Image courtesy of  bikedump.com

It was my intention that I would get the beloved a Valentines day gift ( with thought in it and prior preparation) yet there I was - Feb 14th at 3pm scouring around for gifts trying to find something.

So you can see that in our family good intention is discussed , put in to practice even, but  along the way .....

I put it down to life getting in to the way. I try to be a realist, I want for the best to happen but I know that I'll probably end up with some of what I wanted and some compromise chucked in for good measure.

And in the end I think that's what matters. That at least some part of the plan getting achieved and the benefit for me this teaches the boys that you have to be flexible and adaptive - Right ?

The Art of the Practical Joke - A Dads perspective

Tormenting
                  Practical Jokes
                                         Gags
                                               Pranks
                                                        Trolling

Call it what you want. From a very young age we learn that there is humor to be found in seeing others confused by what they thought should be - but isn't.

It started when I was very young, my Dad would look behind me and exclaim that he had seen parrots out the window and when we turned around to look, vital parts of our dinner went missing. He still does it and now with the kids he has had an new audience. They catch on quick so you gotta stay sharp.

Mind you he once said to the Bride to Be, there was no way she could carry two bales of hay up to the cows in a paddock, the bales were grabbed belligerently and off she marched. Boy did we laugh watching her struggle away with a bale in each hand up the lane(they weigh about 15kgs each). She still married me.

Anyway, I took to this new found wonder like a duck to water. Practical jokes appealed especially to me as I love to laugh and the jokes often have an element of engineering and physics to them. Buckets of water balanced on doors, buckets of water thrown out windows the spiders swinging down on fishing lines, the fake amputated finger in a matchbox, the list is endless.

I was always open to new ideas and would search for jokes in everyday situations. I went to magic stores and I saved my pocket money to buy all sorts of gags. Paper that went into a tooth brush to stain your teeth, joke soft drinks, fake gum - they all went into my bag of tricks.

Its important to note that you should under no circumstances use fake cola on your mother who is trying to sleep after a night shift at the hospital.

On I went trying everything and anything. It got to the point where in order to keep my edge, I took a Mars bar that my sister was saving, removed the chocolate bar, then filled the pack with sand so it resembled the mars bar in weight and feel. But the look on her face when it was opened was priceless.

All these were done in front of an audience, because with out that there was no point.. There needs to be viewers to your grand mastery. That is where the satisfaction comes from.

As the loyal readers know it all ended abruptly one day for my sister during this incident so I had to find a new audience.

Where better than your workplace. It's a whole new world of potential victims and not to mention the audience reach. I can remember at one office, we organised a DVD copy of a movie that one of the managers really wanted, but the video on it was the behind the scenes footage from the "Men of NRL Calendar".

The same workplace once waited for the manager to ride his bike home so we could replace his suit and clothes for the next day with a dress. So when he rode back the next day that was all he had to wear.....
Being the good sort he was he put it on.

See how easy it is ?    Now days I select my targets based on the joke.

I do it to The Organised One when I'm  feeling dangerous.
I once got a jug of water and stood on the toilet and then poured the water in to the toilet from a height while pretending to groan in pain.

I do it to the kids when I can.
Picture this - Junior is complaining about a bad smell and I tell him that he can get his nostrils to close by sticking his fingers in his ears and breathing in quickly. My delivery was so good Mr Elder who claims to be an expert at detecting when I'm fooling, put his fingers in his ears and started breathing heavily.

Mind you it kinda back fired once when I pretended to see something interesting in a drain hole and I was going to say "boo" to Mr Elder when he looked in. Trouble was he lent over so far that he fell in head first.
Luckily there was sand at the bottom of the drain so there was no damage, but his little legs were waiving out the top furiously and it made me laugh out loud.
When I pulled him out of the hole - he absolutely gave it to me.

I secretly still laugh at this one.

I've lost count at the number of times they come to me with a bump or scrape and I proclaim it to be Ebola or that we need to go to the hospital to amputate straightaway.

I know that these are minor compared to movies such as Jackass and shows like Punk'd that take it to a whole new level, but I'm a Dad and I know I'm expected to always think about the outcomes. I spend 99% of my day reminding the minions that everything they do has ramifications and think carefully before you do something stupid, so I have to live by the same rules.

And on the flip side I also am absolutely a great victim of jokes. I encourage the minions to practice on me on any occasion.
And it is true that recently The Organised one slide a plastic coat hanger along the ground causing me to jump in the air and squeal like a girl who has just seen her first cockroach.

So I will continue to tell terrible jokes in front of their friends, I will continue to try and prank them whenever I can.

I'd like to say I do it to teach them that people will always try to get the better of you and you should watch out in the world, but the reality is I just like to laugh

The not so secret Parenting plan (or divide and prosper)

If your kids are anything like mine, they can go for days or minutes with out fighting and play like long lost friends rediscovering why they were friends in the first place.

But when they don't it can be brutal (I have two boys) and difficult to determine what or whom caused it.

Its a little like Cabin Fever, just getting on each others nerves.

The last thing I want to do try and work out who to punish so I end up just punishing them both for being involved but that leads to an unhappy house.

As parents this can be exasperating, right ? After all its not like they handed us a "How to be a Parent " manual straight after the kids were born (I doubt I would have read it anyway) with all the answers to raising the perfect son/daughter.

Image courtesy of acupofteaftmyselfandme.blogspot.com

So we hatched what at the time we thought was a perfect secret little plan.

So we do what we call "Divide and Conquer", I'll take one combatant boy and the Talented One will take the other and we will do things that each of them they enjoy. Call me old fashioned if you will but nothing works better than complete and un-distracted focus, even if  it's only from one parent.


Now this isn't as easy as it sounds. We are a one car family and intend on staying that way for sometime. It forces us to do things together and ensure that we all participate in each others activities. I'm hoping that the boys are learning empathy and tolerance from this little exercise. It's like learning to enjoy visiting your mother in law but when your 10 and not allowed to drink beer in the car on the way there.

So the weekend can go a little something like this:

Get up and prepare a break fast feast to power up for the day.

Clean up from this feast ( as I've used every pan and there is bacon fat on the wall)

Saturday basketball 

Come home and cook another weekend feast for dinner

Sunday get up and try to recreate prior days breakfast feast (using less pans than the day before and putting the bacon in the oven)

First Choir run for The Eldest

Lunch (by this meal SWMBO has us on salad sandwiches)

Second Choir run for Eldest which encompasses "The Sunday walk"

 to drop the Eldest at choir and then walk back the

 long way home to talk to the little guy one on one.

Not that I get a word in - with all the questions he has.

I'm pretty sure has saved up every question he had during the week and needs them all answered whilst we walk. I think he does this because he doesn't want his brother to know he has so many questions. I really see the difference in my sons when I deal with them on their own. I suppose they feel a little more comfortable with the one on one time as there is no risk of being judged when your other competitor sibling isn't present.

During the week the early morning 0800 start for the Eldest's choir is when we walk though the leafy suburbs of Melbourne just chatting one on one. Sometimes we pick a topic of discussion and then talk it through over the 30 minute walk. Sometimes we just talk about Minecraft the whole way. We never stay on topic for long and it's been a real eye opener for me.

As well as these weekly activities there are weekends planned where depending on schedules special one off excursions are planned.

For us it's all about that fine balance between together time and one on one time. The funny thing is no-one can tell us whether it's right or wrong because the final conclusion will only be known many, many years from now.

So that's our solution. Simple and so far completely effective. I'm not sure how secret it is though.