The not at all accidental tourist

I can't undo the lid. It's stuck. Has it really been that long ? Finally with an exerted twist the lid comes of the deodorant and with a determined push on the roller I can finally use it.

The holiday is over.

Just like that as soon as it started it seemed to end.

And instead of just posting pictures and comments on activities completed, this time we will critically examine "the Tourist"

image courtesy of  shake-speares-bible.com

Lets start with the driving tourist, their behavior during the holiday is incredible. Why people drive stupidly and do things that during the working week they would never contemplate is beyond me.

- speeding up in the overtaking sections so no one over takes them and then slow back down to 85kph once its back to single lanes
- overtaking in a zone that is beyond dangerous on roads they are not familiar with

You can see the driving holiday tourists everywhere, they are the ones that regardless of the weather their determination to do as much as possible is matched only by their determination to push you out of the way to get then best photo.

Some other more amusing things we noted :

- You should not get your son to go for a run if you are only going to follow him in the car with the dog hanging out the window

- I still don’t know how you can run and chew gum at the same time without choking to death on the first hill

- The attitude of small business owners in small towns ranging from the over friendly to the” I prefer it when there are no people around “

and yes I will charge $1.77 for a litre of petrol because you actually need it.

I was however delighted to see that the speed which kids form new relationships hasn't waned as they grow older. That's one thing I hope the guys never grow out of.

I did note after arriving home from a Farmers market one Sunday morning that once again I had fallen for the "try this it's great - you'll love it" and bought another unusual sauce which will spend the the next 3 years in the cupboard right next to the exotic stir fry oil.

I also realised I was not going to get as much of that stick peperoni  I bought as I discover the kids hacking off large chunks 10 minutes after it arrived home. But at least their palates are going to be expanded.

So as the holiday drew to an end and we all shared our favorite moments, we did discover an interesting fact - that you can deliver bad news to anyone if straight after you burst into the Benny Hill theme.

Go on try it....

Sorry sir you have Hydrophobia - da da da dadada na nana etc......

And at the end of 2012 time for thanks

It’s Boxing Day 2012 and I am sitting in the sun just enjoying the day. We left early for our summer holiday and I have not regretted a thing. The only people on the road were us and the highway patrol looking bored. I felt like stopping each time we saw them and doing a breath test and other checks for them so they weren't so bored. Mind you over the next couple of weeks they will be sorely tested by people not concentrating and just thinking in general “it won’t happen to me”

 I however have now survived

42 Christmases as a human being

15 Christmases as a husband

and 12 Christmases as a Dad.

I have cherished every one of them including the time when I was ten and my parents bought me a Kiss - Gene Simmons doll complete with high heel boots.

Christmas can be a difficult time for everybody. Firstly with all the political correctness gone mad do you even say Merry Christmas any more or is it Happy Holidays ?

Personally I like “ Happy Thank Goodness we made it through another year”. But that’s just me.

Secondly what is with the mad rush to all of a sudden catch up with people you haven’t seen all year ?  If you didn't get to visiting them during the year then they can’t be much of a priority then can they - so why all of a sudden at Christmas ?

Any way every Christmas you get to spend with the people you love is always a good thing because the alternative is crap.

 As I think back about 2012 I always ask the one question that defines my actions – if I had the time over, would I do anything differently ?

Probably not. I might say to The Eldest – hey watch out today you’ll probably fall of the playground and break your arm but that’s about it.

The year ahead looks full of promise with The Eldest going into senior school and beginning the journey towaeldest going into senior school and beggining rds becoming a man and hopefully a productive member of society. The youngest has his favorite teacher back so for once he is looking forward to school. He does still tend to over worry about things (which he gets from me) but I think we can work through that one.

My health kick has survived the roll over from 2012 and the 5^th buckle hole on my belt is now tantalizingly close so I am spurred on to continue.

And I have a lot to give thanks for heading into this new year – especially you my loyal readers, who throughout the year have helped motivate me and constantly supported my sometimes odd post timings, without you there would be no blog, so from the bottom of my heart a huge Thank you to you all and Happy 2013 !

Am I ready ? I mean really ready ?

As they all march on to the thin stage the spotlights make some of the boys blink and squint out in to the audience to try and see better / someone they know. They shuffle awkwardly and itch at inappropriate places, their bodies caught in that time that's almost changing them into teenagers but leaving their minds still filled with wild imagination fueled fun.
They literally have attention spans that can only be measured by the sorts of equipment required to build the Large Hadron Collider.

As they describe their experiences, in getting to this glorious point, I try hard not to allow my brain to take me back to the same era - Grade 6.
The eldest is going though the last remaining days of Primary School and there is lots of pomp and ceremony interspersed with good advice and re-assurances that support is around, you just have to ask.

Whom to ask and about what is not quite apparent -  but you get the idea.

School is not an easy place, its supposed to be the safest place to become correctly prepared for the world at large. Each child is raised carefully by a combination of the school and the parents with both complimenting each other.

Well that's the theory anyway.

I'm the last person to be preaching this, I was a terrible student. There are things I did at school that still can not be told in public because once it gets out or on the Internet it will get out of hand. I did not fulfill the true definition of school until much later in life.

But now that the eldest has completed junior school he apparently is ready for the next set of challenges.

What about his parents are they ready ?

When they are babies you look at them without worrying about  future problems - that will all come later. When they are babies their needs are simple (well that's how I choose to remember it)

Feeding - Burping - Cleaning up vomit - you get the idea.

The problems are solvable, Do we have enough nappies ? Do we have the house quiet enough for them to sleep ? Is it the middle of the night and do they need comforting ? Is the food in the baby or on the floor and wall ?

See ! All solvable.

Now that he's a teenager it changes.  I mean - I hope he can clean up his own vomit but that's the least of my worries.

Have I kept up with the latest trends ? Do I even know what's cool right now ?

Do I have a computer / console  that will play the latest games? nothing worse than having old technology apparently. And the fact that he has to share it with the rest of us constantly stuns him.

Have I or the beloved ensured he leaves the house dressed at  least semi decently ? No Son that tracksuit and top are not OK you look homeless. You have a wardrobe full of nice clothes , go and try again.

And no you can not eat last nights pasta/rice for breakfast (well not in front of your mother). You have to have a decent breakfast.

All these problems get easier to solve once you have seen them a few times but then - Unexpected ones arise as if he has decided the game is too repetitive and needs new boundaries.
It's like getting up in the middle of the night -  You know you are going to stub your toe , you just don't know when or on what.

So as they all march off the stage, their certificate grasped in their fists, I hope their parents are ready.....

Family functions and time

The table is large and round and the guest are seated closely together, they prod at their meals nervously with chopsticks looking at the contents wondering if they have eaten them before.
The host laughs loudly and they all sort of  laugh, they seem to know each other but at the same time it's just a little uncomfortable.
The owner of the restaurant chuckles when I ask him about the table. It seems it's the hosts birthday and they come here each year. This casts me back to our family functions. We did something very similar - Always went to the same Chinese restaurant for birthdays, mothers day and fathers day.

It really became like a ritual. A big table for the adults and a little table for the kids. Sometimes good conversations and sometimes it all got a bit difficult.

The other holidays were shared around, everyone took it in turns to have Christmas day lunch / dinner and we all would traipse off to our relatives house to spend the day hanging out and catching up. The cooking was mainly done by the host family but everyone pitched in bringing something.

There would be the obligatory cricket match on the road, interrupted by the yell of " Car" to which the stumps would come of with the rest of the kids on to the nature strip until the car had passed and the game could resume.

Lunch would be served and cleared leaving the parents to lapse into afternoon naps or sometimes discussions over a further bottle of wine. The house would then spring back in to life after 5pm and another meal of cold meats and salads would be served along with presents (and more wine). Everyone would leave vowing to catch up " more than just at Christmas".

Gradually I noticed less family showing up as the kids got older. Boyfriends and Girlfriends came along engagements and weddings happened and the dreaded  "split day"  discussion would be raised.

This involved both sides of the relationship agreeing on where they would go for the day time meal and the night time meal.

That being said. You absolutely can not invoke Social commitment remorse for any family function. It's not allowed. Family functions in my house were compulsory -  everybody showed up.

We teach both our kids the same. You plan out the day/event like you're invading another country - take plenty of supplies and be prepared for absolutely anything.

I'll still never forget showing up for a lunch (Sunday) and the meal consisted of a roast chicken, potatoes and peas.

For 6 adults and two children. Talk about portion control.

image courtesy of marcwellness.com

And The Beloved and I once went to a wedding way up in the Yarra Valley and then after the ceremony drove two hours back to get to a 40th Birthday of a cousin.

In the same day.

Thank goodness I don't drive.

But what ever the case you attend, pay homage and leave. (After an appropriately waited time) and if you're there too long - Don't worry there is always one relative trying to wrap the party up and shoo you out by cleaning up and trying to finish off every one's conversations.

Recently parties have become a little more broader and started to include past friends. I would say mainly because the milestones are getting bigger - 40th, 50th and even 70th's have started to pop up.

 I do so love people re introducing themselves to me as if I am some sort of altizimers patient - " I'm <insert name>, and when you were little " <insert hand / height gesture here> " I would ...."

I know who you are. You were the Mum who I one day hoped to marry someone just like you or the person who treated me like an adult when everyone else would see me as a child.

You were the Dad that hosted sleepovers and lied to the neighbours that the boys would never do something as stupid as throw wads of burning newspaper over their fence.

So I smile and chat, with all the memories flooding back and hope that this many people will show up when I hit these milestones. Because these are/will be the people that have and will have shaped who I am

And I want them to know that that means a lot.

But I'll tell you one thing for sure - you will get a decent feed.

This Pool Water tastes different.....

I can dimly see my family through a dirty Perspex window. A calm voice counts down 3, 2, 1 and my whole world goes light then dark and then light again. I have no idea which way is up and when I screech to a halt in 2 feet of water I now know what projectile vomit feels like.

So why am I here with a spinal  board style piece of plastic strapped to my body and why did I mortgage my house to experience this ?

Yep ...... School holidays.

That glorious time when we attempt to spend time together without :

a) Killing each other
b) Having to re-mortgage the house 

So as per standard family rules, we try at least once a year to go to a place where we have not been before and try something we have never tried before.

This time we  headed off to a small coastal town near the border of New South Wales and Queensland. Its perfect. Stunning views  and a gorgeous lagoon pool, that has a day time water temperature of 8 degrees, which turns out to be fine because we're from Melbourne and once the outside temperature rises above 12 degrees we pretty much strip off and start running around naked.

The kids had decided that as we were near the Gold Coast (over 60km away) we should go to the theme parks. The Beloved said - only two as they're pretty pricey. So water slides and the opportunity to get our bathers wedged up our backsides it was.

So off we headed to the water parks. The entry fees has set us back well over what Rupert Murdoch earns in an hour and if the line to get in is any indication there is a lot more lining up to come.

image courtesy of therealsouthkorea.wordpress.com

We pay for a locker (cash only of course) and dutifully line up for each ride. The wait time can be expressed as the following :

Wait Time = Length of Ride x Excitement

In other words you are going to line up a lot. Some rides are better than others.

After all that excitement off to the wave pool we go. As I am standing in the calm waters (they only turn the waves on every 10 minutes or so ) a thought occurs to me exactly how much snot would be in these things ?

As I sit there thinking this the waves start up I get I get knocked over and  manage to gulp several mouthfuls of  the pool water which seems to consist of children's pee diluted with a splash of water.

Now it's time to eat. It's important to note you can take your own food into these parks, just not commercially prepared food, which,  as we are on holidays is really all we have access to.

This means we have to buy it inside. So again we line up.

What genius came up with the idea of 3 nuggets, (notice I didn't specify what what type of meat was in the nuggets, that's because it's completely indeterminable) a handful of fries, a coke and and a Krispy Kreme doughnut and said "that's a lunch pack!" ?

And then what led them to the conclusion that we would pay $16.99 for this equivalent of 5 Big Mac's worth of calories and then feed it to an already over stimulated child ?

And as if that's not enough, don't even try to think about the volumes of sugar in the food sold , including a three foot plastic tube of frozen sugar proudly bought to you by your friends at Coca Cola (which of course can be refilled at a marginally lower price that what you originally paid.)

So as the afternoon draws on and I try to digest my "lunch" I begin people watching (when your stuck in a line on a stairwell 20 feet off the ground there's not much else to do). I notice a couple having a pretty intense discussion.
I hear him say " I just can't take it anymore" she is crying. He walks off - she looks lost.

Oh shit - they're breaking up ! Who breaks up with someone in a theme park ? That's like going to Disney Land and walking in the gate and walking out straight away because it looks boring. You just don't do that.

I mean sure - if you are coming down off a sugar high after one of those frozen coke tubes , maybe you could be a bit irrational, but breaking up ?

So as the afternoon ticks on towards closing time and people start to realize the stinging pain of the parts of their bodies they missed when putting on sunscreen in the morning, it's time to go. The obligatory traipse through the gift shop is mercifully painless and we make our way through the car park the size of the Northern Territory towards the car.

As the palm trees along the highway whiz by, the kids are asleep with huge smiles still on their faces, so it all seems worth it.

I think next year we should go somewhere less crowded.

and hopefully nobody is breaking up while I'm there.

Motivating almost a teenager.....

It's a bight sunny day and I look out at the yard knowing it needs a clean and and a tidy to bring it back to its inner city shoe box sized courtyard best. I grab the broom and begin sweeping, but as usual my mind wanders to other things we could be doing. I look back through the window to the boys buried deep in computers and iPods.

What I really want them to have is the motivation to get them off the couch and from behind their technology.

It seems like only yesterday that I look down at his little hand tugging at mine and his pleading cries :

"Come on Dad lets go to the park !"

"Come on Dad lets chase those bloody fat pigeons out of the yard !"

image courtesy of slate.com

Now they hide from me.  In the couch or around the house because they know I want to go out. Having pre-teenagers certainly is different from toddlers. Gone is the enthusiasm for exploring the world. Gone is insatiable appetite for destruction.

I mean who hasnt' gone into another room to do something and come back to find a kitchen cupboard completely unpacked on  to the floor by an ever smiling toddler.

I really want to keep going out and do things together.

Problem is I probably make them feel awkward, kids nowadays don't really want to be seem with their parents I guess.

And it was different when I was kid, both my parents worked full time so we were forced to do somethings by ourselves. But thanks to  random unrelated "bad things" that happened to children, the media made us terrified of letting the kids do the same stuff we did. By the time the beloved was 13 she was catching a train from Mt Waverley to Hawthorn each day by herself.

Now days you would probably get reported for letting that happen. But I'm telling you we have to get them used to doing things for themselves.

I keep banging on about we have to get the kids to make decisions every day so they don't get to their first party - get offered drugs and not know how to give the correct response with out losing face in front of their peers.

*steps off soap box*

Anyway if I can get them convinced to come out side with me, it always goes well. Once they get out and start the activity you can't wipe the smile off their faces. I still remember begging, cajoling , pleading to go for a ride with the Eldest. Finally we head off and bugger me if after not more than 30 secs of riding he is whistling and smiling like he's just discovered the greatest thing ever.

After 10 minutes he proclaims " Wow I have no idea why I didn't want to come for a ride I'm having such a great time"

I almost fell off my bike.

So I finish sweeping and firmly step inside to get everyone ready for some time in the park. The living room is deserted. It seems they can read my mind........

Not Safe For Children

I need a filter. Maybe even a seven second delay button just like the one they use on radio. Just enough for someone to hit the dump button as I say something that whilst probably true or correct should not be spoken aloud in front of the current audience.

I'm like the Internet ask me something and I'll tell you and whilst it may not be totally accurate or quite what you expected, I'm going to tell you anyway, some times with out even pausing to think about who is standing nearby or listening.

I don't do it to be annoying or even just to see what the reaction will be. I just believe that, if you ask me I'll tell you. Especially if the little dudes ask. I don't want them subjected to the same urban legends that went around when I was a kid.

You know the ones - McDonald's thick shakes are really rendered pig fat or Mentos and Coke mixed in your stomach will kill you.

Or that kids going down water-slides used to stick pieces of razor blade to the slide with chewing gum for the next person coming down.

The best part about my two dudes is they are fanatical about MythBusters so they are pretty switched on anyway.

I can't stand the fact that people dress things up or try and soften it up for kids. They are people and deserve our respect. Plus I'd rather set 'em straight than have someone at school with an older brother or sister tell them in a Chinese whisper fashion. Within reason of course.

One of the challenges I have is that I have an opinion on everything, I love market researchers when they call. Mainly because I will take their call and discuss with them my opinion. So I tend to enjoy reading a lot and by default gather all sorts of facts and snippets and file them away for a rainy day.

The beloved even once bought a T-Shirt for me just like this.

So as you can now begin to see that it will all start out with a conversation innocently enough but some how ends up in a place we shouldn't be. I'm not trying to start trouble here but just set the boys straight.

I humbly submit the following as an example :

So the eldest is trying to be cool and throws the word porn into a sentence. So I stop and I say to him. "Don't say that"
Any way I go on " Porn is just like films, it isn't really real . They are all actors and are paid "

Now of course I should have stopped there.

Should have.

But didn't.

I went on "Yeah you know, they have make up, lighting experts, camera experts etc. Just like films. And they have to wax you know".

My brain catches up .02 milliseconds later.

The silence is deafening. He then gets look on his face that belies that blinding realisation where they wax. I yell at the youngest " Go upstairs now !" He scuttles out. The Beloveds head is buried deep in her hands. It takes another 3 minutes to extricate my self from the conversation and get it back on an even keel.

I eat the remainder of my dinner in silence.

All I was trying to do was set him straight. That what he thinks it is is actually not true. People don't behave like that in relationships.
And somehow ended up way past the point I was making.

Now I know why the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intention" is apt.