A is for Adventure

It is a very prevalent comment from people that change is often hard. You get told this as if this gives permission to complain or even try to resist the change. During the 90’s change management was actually a thing that you could sell to organisations ( think “who moved my cheese”) and was everywhere you turned. It predated the obsession in the 00’s with CRM and to resist it was to be branded “ not a team player “.

As you know my life has changed completely from what it used to be. During the last 3 years everything changed again as I moved from what was to what is now. This meant that I had to re find myself and then work out how I was going to see out my remaining days on our beautiful blue planet. I certainly was not going to do it alone and I am pleased that I have found a beautiful, confident, self-starter and like minded partner to set out and discover the last great adventure.

I use the word adventure as I decided that it was pointless to continue to try to do what I had previously set down as my plan. I discovered that as much as I tried - the map I had in my head could not be molded to the terrain - and as the Swiss army aphorism says “if the map and the terrain disagree, trust the terrain”.

So, we took all the bits of how we thought we could spend our days, mashed them together and came up with a new plan. The next part was to work out where.

Looking for somewhere to live and derive an income without being to far from travel options ( trains, planes and automobiles ) , had to be warm but not too hot, good rainfall, grow stuff well, have space for animals, somewhere for all the toys  (read garage) , space for the Minions, space for guests, a place for brewing the list went on and on but you get the picture on top of all was to be affordable of course – this had become a daunting task.

After a couple of miss starts (re – termite infestation, a flood plain and a hilly Christmas tree farm with 9'foot fences ) were overcome  - one contender became apparent - Coffs Harbour.

So circle back to the opening statement – we were now staring down the barrel of consolidating 3 houses, 5 boats, a garage full of absolutely vital, cannot live without stuff ( you never know when a used rusty 3” nail will come in handy !) and move it all 17 hours by road - north ! 

                                                                         http://www.askaprepper.com/11-things-pioneers-carried-oregon-trail/

This is no ordinary run of the mill change – this is a complete life alteration!

But that is exactly what we’ve done.

Nothing left behind.

Armed with my 48 years of knowledge (or is it lack thereof ?) and a well-worn copy Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s River Cottage bible we will set out to do all the stuff I kept on saying I would do  “ one of these days “

Come with us on this journey – its gunna be a hoot !

All the small things, true care, truth brings

As with most things in life the passage of time either adds a new perspective on things or completely distorts the view of them. So it is with precisely that in mind that I approach the fact that my marriage is now over.

As you know I am extremely passionate and sometimes have a hard time letting things go that aren't right or that have managed to creep under my skin. Take for example the following - You are trying to cook an egg for someone you love. The yolk bursts and the egg in your view is ruined by the fact it is so old and isn't perfect like Nigella's , did you ever stop to think that maybe they were just happy you were cooking them an egg ?

The harder I tried to make everything perfect, the more difficult it became to create the image of how I thought it should all be.

credit http://blog.williams-sonoma.com/simply-nigella-cookbook/

As much as I try I can only see that I missed all the little things that needed to be said or done and focused on what I thought should be done, so by that omission it was this that moved us apart. And it happened so quickly.

The most interesting thing that has come out of the contemplation and soul searching post the separation, is all the things you thought were important - aren't - and the little things that have always been there (but been taken for granted) are suddenly the most important thing.

But I can assure you that as devastated as I am, this is not a pity post nor a raised flag for sympathy. This is is just the state of play, it's the truth of where in 2017 I am. Still a Dad, still healthy and upright - just a different location and surroundings.

Along with new added challenges and a new operating reality we'll now need  to balance the boys between two houses, negotiate holidays, decide which family functions are mandatory attendance and the list goes on. But of course parental solidarity will still be mandatory, although a lot harder , but mandatory nonetheless to continue to allow the boys to continue to grow and mature.

My mantra for at least a little while is going to be, I'm not going to be angry at myself or get down and I will talk to friends and family. In the meantime its on wards and upwards as best we can.

Given its now been 3 years since I posted , it is well time to resume writing and stop procrastinating. It's also well time to do things I should have done and try things that should be tried ( except parachuting, there is never a valid reason to jump from a perfectly good plane with bar service).


And as the Blink 182 songs says

 Say it ain't so, I will not go Turn the lights off, carry me home

Photograph by Tonyç

when you arrive at your destination , where ever that may be

do not wonder why you're here or what is next

turn around and marvel at the journey

So where abouts is that ?

Picture this - You are at a Party/BBQ/Function that you've been dragged along to with people you just don't know. You're doing the best you can to hold conversations, working through meeting everyone whilst trying to avoid all the pitfalls (you of course have read this post on Dad dating first ) but despite your best efforts you’re down to this.....

The only two questions left if you're meeting someone for the first time and have run out of things to say about your kids or your beloved

or sport

        or the weather.

                    “What do you do for a crust?”

and inevitably 

"Where are you based / is your office ?"

So previously this was not a problem, I worked out of lovely offices in the central business district and people knew the building I worked in. It was easy to describe and even if you weren't familiar with the city you could roughly picture it from the landmarks it was near. I knew all the best places to eat and where to get a good coffee.

Now that I have moved to a Global Organisation that has all changed.

You don't have one particular office that you reside in and the work is where ever you are required.

It's very hard to describe to other people that you have just spent a week being locked away in a hotel room with three other guys working on contract edits for days on end - Trust me it’s a real conversation killer.

And you now no longer have the daily routines that someone with a permanent office has. Not to mention that the perception people have of those who work from home is not exactly glowing (I'm beginning to learn this maybe jealousy).

That aside, now I have to get used to all the changes in my working day / life - for example I don’t have any onsite IT unless the beloved comes in to see why I am swearing at the printer and I have definitely become aware of how much printer ink costs – that stuff is more expensive than petrol !

There is no set start or finish time, the whole thing revolves around when the meetings are or when the project is due. You work when there is work that's required.

There also have been some adjustments between the beloved and I now that I am home a lot more, so it’s now accepted that it’s not OK to be hovering around as she goes about the tasks she normally does day to day

That being said you really start to notice all the things that need doing and cleaning. I have even found the vacuum cleaner (I've not used it but I know where it is…..)

So I decided early on that whilst I took breaks away from my PC (yes I observe OH&S) I would do one extra thing a day to help around the house. First off – The washing.

I had been carefully instructed in the need to separate the clothes into colour types and I had put on the washing and gone back to work.

There was an almighty thumping noise and a dull far away roar. On closer inspection it became clear - that’s what a washing machine spin cycle sounds like if you put way way too many clothes in to wash.

Good to know. Won't happen again.

The number of telemarketer calls you get during the day really makes you wonder why they call when the chances of someone being home are statistically low, for a while I chatted to them, but now I rarely answer as I have all the time-share holidays I need and I’m all raffled out.

So where is it all at after 3 months ? 

The work is interesting and my colleagues are located all over the world which is really cool. The support is excellent and I can pretty much work from anywhere that has electricity and Internet.

On the plus side for the first time ever I have been able to attend some of the kids school activities which is great and that will continue.

On the negative side I found myself yelling at the pigeons who were sitting in the herb pot squashing the coriander.

I think I need to go outside a bit more……..

Family death match

I reach out full stretch.

Nothing , its all just air.

Then as fast as conventional physics teaches us, the earth is in my face and catching my hip with all the grace of a hippopotamus falling off a skateboard.

I lie there - the dust swirls gently in the fading sunlight and the sweat trickles off my face mingling with the dirt making little tiny mud puddles. Both of these things are useful in hiding my tears at yet another loss.

At the other end the victor stands, defiant. The Beloved has won.

Another family death match has been decided.

I get up and dust my self off, get a beer and sit down to wait for the pain in my hip to subside. The boys are still laughing.

The eldest declares " time for me to whoop your butt little  man" and with that it's on. Our match is forgotten and the the two boys are at once locked in a similarly intense battle.

The volley ball set we got for Christmas ( the above matches ) really is just part of the long running competitions we are constantly engaged in. We don't mind too much what it is - just that they have to be able to be competitive for all of us , so weight lifting or formula 1 racing are out.

( I am thinking though, we should get a clay target set and some shotguns for next years summer games and only because The Beloved  banned bare knuckle boxing after I dislocated a finger and the youngest went to school with a massive bruise in the middle of his forehead.)

I like the fact that we are competitive. I try and teach the boys that life is like that it's a competition. Not all the time, but lets face it -

You compete for school results
You compete for a Uni place
You compete for a job and your promotions
You compete for all sorts of things

So you need to know how to compete. There are rules.

There are consequences if you act badly during competition.
That's where the fine line and the parental boundaries come in. Time and time again I see parents acting badly during their child's sporting activities and I caution both boys about what is acceptable during sport or indeed any competition - win or lose.

But family death match is different. Anything goes, because sometimes breaking the rules and watching it all burn down is just so much fun.

I still remember the stare and the long silence punctuated by further glaring after, because during a very close game of golf  The Beloved was in front of a bunker with a short pitch shot to get on to the green.

                                                                              image courtesy of www.intotherough.co.uk

Being only 1 shot behind, I thought ooohhhh that's an easy shot , how funny would it be to say

" Tough shot , don't choke".

 Except that instead of saying it in my head I said it kinda out loud. So instead of easily making the shot and wining - the ball hit the bunker and it took another two shots to get out, and the lead was surrendered.

I still have a cute little scar on my knee from her putter.

So as I watch the boys go about their weekend  sports I  am filled with a sense of impending doom. With their bodies slowly lengthening and muscles filling out, it seems inevitable that our my reign at the top of the family death match table will all too soon be over.

Think I'll buy a croquet set next, after all it's only a game  - right ?

The not at all accidental tourist

I can't undo the lid. It's stuck. Has it really been that long ? Finally with an exerted twist the lid comes of the deodorant and with a determined push on the roller I can finally use it.

The holiday is over.

Just like that as soon as it started it seemed to end.

And instead of just posting pictures and comments on activities completed, this time we will critically examine "the Tourist"

image courtesy of  shake-speares-bible.com

Lets start with the driving tourist, their behavior during the holiday is incredible. Why people drive stupidly and do things that during the working week they would never contemplate is beyond me.

- speeding up in the overtaking sections so no one over takes them and then slow back down to 85kph once its back to single lanes
- overtaking in a zone that is beyond dangerous on roads they are not familiar with

You can see the driving holiday tourists everywhere, they are the ones that regardless of the weather their determination to do as much as possible is matched only by their determination to push you out of the way to get then best photo.

Some other more amusing things we noted :

- You should not get your son to go for a run if you are only going to follow him in the car with the dog hanging out the window

- I still don’t know how you can run and chew gum at the same time without choking to death on the first hill

- The attitude of small business owners in small towns ranging from the over friendly to the” I prefer it when there are no people around “

and yes I will charge $1.77 for a litre of petrol because you actually need it.

I was however delighted to see that the speed which kids form new relationships hasn't waned as they grow older. That's one thing I hope the guys never grow out of.

I did note after arriving home from a Farmers market one Sunday morning that once again I had fallen for the "try this it's great - you'll love it" and bought another unusual sauce which will spend the the next 3 years in the cupboard right next to the exotic stir fry oil.

I also realised I was not going to get as much of that stick peperoni  I bought as I discover the kids hacking off large chunks 10 minutes after it arrived home. But at least their palates are going to be expanded.

So as the holiday drew to an end and we all shared our favorite moments, we did discover an interesting fact - that you can deliver bad news to anyone if straight after you burst into the Benny Hill theme.

Go on try it....

Sorry sir you have Hydrophobia - da da da dadada na nana etc......

Family functions and time

The table is large and round and the guest are seated closely together, they prod at their meals nervously with chopsticks looking at the contents wondering if they have eaten them before.
The host laughs loudly and they all sort of  laugh, they seem to know each other but at the same time it's just a little uncomfortable.
The owner of the restaurant chuckles when I ask him about the table. It seems it's the hosts birthday and they come here each year. This casts me back to our family functions. We did something very similar - Always went to the same Chinese restaurant for birthdays, mothers day and fathers day.

It really became like a ritual. A big table for the adults and a little table for the kids. Sometimes good conversations and sometimes it all got a bit difficult.

The other holidays were shared around, everyone took it in turns to have Christmas day lunch / dinner and we all would traipse off to our relatives house to spend the day hanging out and catching up. The cooking was mainly done by the host family but everyone pitched in bringing something.

There would be the obligatory cricket match on the road, interrupted by the yell of " Car" to which the stumps would come of with the rest of the kids on to the nature strip until the car had passed and the game could resume.

Lunch would be served and cleared leaving the parents to lapse into afternoon naps or sometimes discussions over a further bottle of wine. The house would then spring back in to life after 5pm and another meal of cold meats and salads would be served along with presents (and more wine). Everyone would leave vowing to catch up " more than just at Christmas".

Gradually I noticed less family showing up as the kids got older. Boyfriends and Girlfriends came along engagements and weddings happened and the dreaded  "split day"  discussion would be raised.

This involved both sides of the relationship agreeing on where they would go for the day time meal and the night time meal.

That being said. You absolutely can not invoke Social commitment remorse for any family function. It's not allowed. Family functions in my house were compulsory -  everybody showed up.

We teach both our kids the same. You plan out the day/event like you're invading another country - take plenty of supplies and be prepared for absolutely anything.

I'll still never forget showing up for a lunch (Sunday) and the meal consisted of a roast chicken, potatoes and peas.

For 6 adults and two children. Talk about portion control.

image courtesy of marcwellness.com

And The Beloved and I once went to a wedding way up in the Yarra Valley and then after the ceremony drove two hours back to get to a 40th Birthday of a cousin.

In the same day.

Thank goodness I don't drive.

But what ever the case you attend, pay homage and leave. (After an appropriately waited time) and if you're there too long - Don't worry there is always one relative trying to wrap the party up and shoo you out by cleaning up and trying to finish off every one's conversations.

Recently parties have become a little more broader and started to include past friends. I would say mainly because the milestones are getting bigger - 40th, 50th and even 70th's have started to pop up.

 I do so love people re introducing themselves to me as if I am some sort of altizimers patient - " I'm <insert name>, and when you were little " <insert hand / height gesture here> " I would ...."

I know who you are. You were the Mum who I one day hoped to marry someone just like you or the person who treated me like an adult when everyone else would see me as a child.

You were the Dad that hosted sleepovers and lied to the neighbours that the boys would never do something as stupid as throw wads of burning newspaper over their fence.

So I smile and chat, with all the memories flooding back and hope that this many people will show up when I hit these milestones. Because these are/will be the people that have and will have shaped who I am

And I want them to know that that means a lot.

But I'll tell you one thing for sure - you will get a decent feed.

This Pool Water tastes different.....

I can dimly see my family through a dirty Perspex window. A calm voice counts down 3, 2, 1 and my whole world goes light then dark and then light again. I have no idea which way is up and when I screech to a halt in 2 feet of water I now know what projectile vomit feels like.

So why am I here with a spinal  board style piece of plastic strapped to my body and why did I mortgage my house to experience this ?

Yep ...... School holidays.

That glorious time when we attempt to spend time together without :

a) Killing each other
b) Having to re-mortgage the house 

So as per standard family rules, we try at least once a year to go to a place where we have not been before and try something we have never tried before.

This time we  headed off to a small coastal town near the border of New South Wales and Queensland. Its perfect. Stunning views  and a gorgeous lagoon pool, that has a day time water temperature of 8 degrees, which turns out to be fine because we're from Melbourne and once the outside temperature rises above 12 degrees we pretty much strip off and start running around naked.

The kids had decided that as we were near the Gold Coast (over 60km away) we should go to the theme parks. The Beloved said - only two as they're pretty pricey. So water slides and the opportunity to get our bathers wedged up our backsides it was.

So off we headed to the water parks. The entry fees has set us back well over what Rupert Murdoch earns in an hour and if the line to get in is any indication there is a lot more lining up to come.

image courtesy of therealsouthkorea.wordpress.com

We pay for a locker (cash only of course) and dutifully line up for each ride. The wait time can be expressed as the following :

Wait Time = Length of Ride x Excitement

In other words you are going to line up a lot. Some rides are better than others.

After all that excitement off to the wave pool we go. As I am standing in the calm waters (they only turn the waves on every 10 minutes or so ) a thought occurs to me exactly how much snot would be in these things ?

As I sit there thinking this the waves start up I get I get knocked over and  manage to gulp several mouthfuls of  the pool water which seems to consist of children's pee diluted with a splash of water.

Now it's time to eat. It's important to note you can take your own food into these parks, just not commercially prepared food, which,  as we are on holidays is really all we have access to.

This means we have to buy it inside. So again we line up.

What genius came up with the idea of 3 nuggets, (notice I didn't specify what what type of meat was in the nuggets, that's because it's completely indeterminable) a handful of fries, a coke and and a Krispy Kreme doughnut and said "that's a lunch pack!" ?

And then what led them to the conclusion that we would pay $16.99 for this equivalent of 5 Big Mac's worth of calories and then feed it to an already over stimulated child ?

And as if that's not enough, don't even try to think about the volumes of sugar in the food sold , including a three foot plastic tube of frozen sugar proudly bought to you by your friends at Coca Cola (which of course can be refilled at a marginally lower price that what you originally paid.)

So as the afternoon draws on and I try to digest my "lunch" I begin people watching (when your stuck in a line on a stairwell 20 feet off the ground there's not much else to do). I notice a couple having a pretty intense discussion.
I hear him say " I just can't take it anymore" she is crying. He walks off - she looks lost.

Oh shit - they're breaking up ! Who breaks up with someone in a theme park ? That's like going to Disney Land and walking in the gate and walking out straight away because it looks boring. You just don't do that.

I mean sure - if you are coming down off a sugar high after one of those frozen coke tubes , maybe you could be a bit irrational, but breaking up ?

So as the afternoon ticks on towards closing time and people start to realize the stinging pain of the parts of their bodies they missed when putting on sunscreen in the morning, it's time to go. The obligatory traipse through the gift shop is mercifully painless and we make our way through the car park the size of the Northern Territory towards the car.

As the palm trees along the highway whiz by, the kids are asleep with huge smiles still on their faces, so it all seems worth it.

I think next year we should go somewhere less crowded.

and hopefully nobody is breaking up while I'm there.

Motivating almost a teenager.....

It's a bight sunny day and I look out at the yard knowing it needs a clean and and a tidy to bring it back to its inner city shoe box sized courtyard best. I grab the broom and begin sweeping, but as usual my mind wanders to other things we could be doing. I look back through the window to the boys buried deep in computers and iPods.

What I really want them to have is the motivation to get them off the couch and from behind their technology.

It seems like only yesterday that I look down at his little hand tugging at mine and his pleading cries :

"Come on Dad lets go to the park !"

"Come on Dad lets chase those bloody fat pigeons out of the yard !"

image courtesy of slate.com

Now they hide from me.  In the couch or around the house because they know I want to go out. Having pre-teenagers certainly is different from toddlers. Gone is the enthusiasm for exploring the world. Gone is insatiable appetite for destruction.

I mean who hasnt' gone into another room to do something and come back to find a kitchen cupboard completely unpacked on  to the floor by an ever smiling toddler.

I really want to keep going out and do things together.

Problem is I probably make them feel awkward, kids nowadays don't really want to be seem with their parents I guess.

And it was different when I was kid, both my parents worked full time so we were forced to do somethings by ourselves. But thanks to  random unrelated "bad things" that happened to children, the media made us terrified of letting the kids do the same stuff we did. By the time the beloved was 13 she was catching a train from Mt Waverley to Hawthorn each day by herself.

Now days you would probably get reported for letting that happen. But I'm telling you we have to get them used to doing things for themselves.

I keep banging on about we have to get the kids to make decisions every day so they don't get to their first party - get offered drugs and not know how to give the correct response with out losing face in front of their peers.

*steps off soap box*

Anyway if I can get them convinced to come out side with me, it always goes well. Once they get out and start the activity you can't wipe the smile off their faces. I still remember begging, cajoling , pleading to go for a ride with the Eldest. Finally we head off and bugger me if after not more than 30 secs of riding he is whistling and smiling like he's just discovered the greatest thing ever.

After 10 minutes he proclaims " Wow I have no idea why I didn't want to come for a ride I'm having such a great time"

I almost fell off my bike.

So I finish sweeping and firmly step inside to get everyone ready for some time in the park. The living room is deserted. It seems they can read my mind........

The Etiquette of staying at someone else's house

As I walk home past the park full of children football playing in the twilight I am reminded that it will soon be Spring and that brings about the prospect of holidays. As an evangelical proponent of family holidays and driving holidays for that matter, it's inevitable that you are going to have to stay at some point in someone else's home. After all travelling and not visiting any friends in the area would be a little rude, not to mention embarrassing if they find out. (And yes we found out )

Having been on both sides of this delicate coin I can tell you it can go wrong really quickly and really spectacularly. So to avoid this we have developed a couple of strategies.

Staying at someone else's houses really requires a bit of chameleon like behaviours from everyone as you are going to need to assimilate yourselves in to someone else's routines. Not to mention the acceptance of their idiosyncrasies.

The first thing to do before arriving is shopping. No -  not for shoes or clean underwear, they should already be packed. You need to bring food.

In saying that showing up with 36 eggs and 2 kgs of bacon may be interpreted as  "We're concerned about what you are going to serve us for the rest of the day so were filing up early."

Its also not a great idea to request meals other than the one being prepared. It's not a restaurant eat it or don't eat it, I don't care. I'm not meaning to sound rude about it but if you're on holidays the last thing you need is to spend hours in the kitchen.

And no I am not separating the components of stew to only the bits you like, so don't bother asking.

As good a cook as you are , you should only intervene in cooking if the dish/meal is in real danger - of catching on fire.

image courtesy of accessnorthga.com

And of course the golden rule - never touch another mans barbecue unless invited. Even if he severs part of his arm during the cooking - wait until invited as he may choose to cook on through.

In regards to sleeping arrangements, be prepared is my motto for this. When people stay with us we have spare mattresses everywhere, but not everyone has this or the space to accommodate them.
I never have laughed so much at the kids starting out on a nice inflated bed only to wake up in the morning as part of a giant blue child sandwich.

If you have a favourite pillow or have paid more than $10 for the pillow you currently use, by all means take it along.

Cleaning again is something that you should only help where you can. Unless you have the wording of a  career diplomat I would avoid telling someone you are going to mop the floors as this may just come across as a criticism of their current living conditions.

That being said if you have just finished a meal with children and there is more food on the floor than the table it may be OK. Unless they have a dog or a baby- both of which are viable alternatives to vacuum cleaners.

image courtesy of allcouponcodes.info

One of the odd things we noticed has been our/other children travelling in kids travelling in someone else's car to destinations. Nothing is quite as odd as children deciding which car they are going to drive in. This is made all the more amusing when they choose a couple without children. And by amusing I mean for the couple as the children divulge all manner of private conversations about you and your daily routines.

I'm now almost home and the evening sky has started to show some stars and the smell of dinners cooking is creeping around the quietly parked cars. I know that for the time being, I wont have to adjust my routine and that - for the moment - is just the way I like it.

People take Football very seriously

I watch the cameras being tested and focused, the camera men making sure all the angles can be covered and nothing missed.
I watch the coaches and assistant coaches with magnetic boards in deep discussion with football managers and other support staff on final player positions.
I watch intently as the players complete there drills and warm ups and move into their final huddle before the game.

These are all the things that we love about AFL football. That pre-game excitement.

Then - the bell goes and the ball is bounced.

What ? What do you mean it's a siren and not a bell ?

You know I'm talking about under 9's footy right ?

image courtesy of blog.smilebebe.com

Confused ?

And all of those things described above actually happened. Not from our team of course.

Picture this, there's a coffee gently warning my right hand and my jacket is clutched firmly in my left as I look out over the field. It's Sunday morning and time for footy. The Youngest and his team are peppering the goals with footballs and the parents are chatting away on the sidelines.

Yet the opposition team seem to have an entire support team to rival any AFL teams, busily preparing for the match.

But I digress. Watching these kids play is great because -

a) They're outside and in running around in what Melbourne mostly passes as fresh air.
b) They're playing a team sport which is forcing them to work together to get an outcome.

I can not ask for any more. Well I can, I need decent coffee. But as Grandpa on the Go always said - "if you want it done right then you're probably going to have to do it yourself. So I now make my own coffee in a travel  sippee cup.

The Youngest has been put in the mid field which seems to mean anywhere on the ground the ball is. It also seems to mean go where ever all the wettest and stickiest mud is and tackle people there.
He does well, except for a couple of moments where he skips around a bit looking like he is having way to much fun.

image courtesy of jeffdowsing.wordpress.com

I'd say the opposition will have to edit that bit out of their very serious post match review, before the other kids find out.

Anyway despite being a few men short and facing a difficult slope in the ground away from the goals they notch up a win.

They march off the ground arms around each other singing the club song at the same decibel level of air-planes taking off, smiles wider than the grand canyon.

There is a post match game discussion which seems to be more about giving out chocolates and footy cards than the serious business of post match dissection. But everyone gets praised and all achievements are duly noted - including The Youngest attempting to ride the full back like a donkey head first in to the ground.

We wrap him up in a towel and off we go home.

And next Sunday I'll do it all again, because after all this is bloody serious you know.........

Toilet roulette and road trips

We all know how fond of road trips I am. I see them as the last great travel method (apart from trains which I love). When I think about the road trips I've taken I always have a smile on my face. Don't get me wrong, there are portions of these trips I am sure that my brain has deliberately suppressed- the mind numbing stretches of straight road and more recently the kids niggling each other as we get close to the 10 minute concentration span they currently possess. So we have developed different ways to pass the time in the car  to ensure my blood pressure stays at a reasonable level.

Before I do that lets picture this  : Grand Pa on the Go and the family driving through The Death Valley into Nevada and to keep us entertained ( there were no radio stations) constantly re playing  Sesame Street cassette tapes that we could sing along to.

All 9 of them. Over and Over. Here's an updated version of one of these little treasures

How my parents stayed sane still mystifies me to this day. I see this as the true definition of hard core parenting.

image courtesy of  freefoto.com

If you wish to avoid this and are not interested in an in-car DVD's (or hard core parenting ) you need car games. Here's just two that we use :

The test of Patience - See how many games of eye spy you can play before you lose it completely.
The Crudity test - How many number plates you can turn into words before you resort to vulgar or slang words.
You get the idea.

Many years ago Grand Pa on the Go decided that we were all going to go to Noosa Heads. He was to attend a conference and we would stay on for a while as a family holiday.
This was back way , way, way before it became the thriving Mecca for tourists it is today.  The plan was simple we would drive up the Newell Highway on the way there to arrive quickly and come back along the coast on the way home.

Imagine my delight when I was told I was to sleep on the couch in the living room. Right in front of the TV.  Nothing can go wrong, its bolted to the wall - right ?

I'm sure my disappointment was evident when he trotted off to the car and produced a set of spanners, unbolted the TV, wheeled it into their room leaving me alone in the dark. It still ended up a great holiday and due to the very large pile of beach towels strategically placed between my sister and I by our wise parents the trip home was fine and by now we had graduated to the soundtrack of Grease - The movie.

One of the other treats of the road trip is discovering things. Like discovering that the red food dye in skittles made the Eldest break out in hives. A short trip to a doctors and some anti-histamines rectified this and we soon were back on our way.

Toilet stops are an inescapable part of the travel. You can say 100 or even 1000 times to your children - "take it easy and don't drink that 600ml Coke/Big M/ Gatorade all in one go"

 OR you could just not let them have it.

But for a father of my considerable experience , that's just the easy way out. I like the challenge of the roadside toilet roulette.

image courtesy of abc.net.au

There is nothing like pulling up to a toilet like the one above and opening the door for the first time and in that split second working out  how bad you really have to go. The beloved has passed on many occasions.

The reality of these trips is you will see more of Australia than you ever will by strapping yourself in a giant steel tube and allowing some guy you don't know hurtle you through the air at in-human speeds, to then bounce your way to another place.

And with all the global turmoil and strife sometimes the simple act of taking a photo of the kids, standing next to a roadside marker that was left behind by Bourke and Wills, and the expression on their faces expresses the true gravity and boredom excitement of the moment, is sometimes just priceless.

"Hey can some one help me with this ?"

As your children start to progress through the schooling system the level of output required grows. The schooling system set challenges that carefully measure the child and the learning stage that they are at so as to ensure they are ready to progress to the next level (actually its about ensuring they fit on to some bureaucratized bell chart , but that's a separate lecture).

I'm referring here specifically to the classic school project.

When did school projects get so complicated ? When I was of a schooling age the project was on something like Ancient Egypt  or a major river system and off I would go to procure a  large piece of cardboard and map out in pencil what I was going to do. Then came the cool part, I was allowed to cut up National Geographic magazines for the photos. Finished of with some neat penmanship on faint pencilled lines and the job was done.

This was held up by two students while you walked the class through you research and subsequent learning. If it was judged to be of worthy quality it would be stuck up on the wall for all to see, with the rest deemed unworthy sent home to be retired quietly.

Nowadays, that would simply not do.

Oh No, the projects are hideously complicated and involve multiple outputs and mediums. They also come with a university level marking sheet for each component that you have to follow nor risk losing valuable points.

Nothing shocked me more than watching a recent project come together that involved watching TV ( this still baffles me ) a survey and a written report and thinking it was done, when he announced  "So now we have to make a video " ! " Can you help me ?"

Wait a what ?

Really ?

But what I have noticed is that once again competitiveness creeps in.

No - not from the kids.

From us. Yes us the parents.

Take for example the bridge building project. It's a bog standard project for Grade 3 children. You The child is expected to take items from around the house and construct a drawbridge. The rules are simple
1) No Lego can be used.
2) You have to be able to carry it into class ( no bricks or concrete)

It's heaps of fun and uses all the old toilet rolls and tissue boxes you have around the house. However when you arrive on the day of judging at school you can clearly see which parents are in it to win it.
Perfectly engineered bridges that look like they belong in an art gallery are abound.

I mean some of the bridges were clearly designed by engineers. Oh yeah that right half the parents are.

And don't think this is just a localized problem., I was reading a worried parent blogging (  Yes I read other parents blogs, don't look so surprised ) about her son competing against all these other bridges with clearly assisted builds. The comments field quickly filled up with other parents sharing the same dilemma.
Do you help or do you just let their imagination run wild ?

What kind of message does this send to the  kids who are standing there with their pride and joy constructed of paddle pop sticks, string and toilet rolls, all covered in every color of the rainbow ? ( thankfully The Beloved has great color co-ordination for our bridges ) while the others stand there with bridges they don't really understand.

image courtesy of  activiblogkidsactivities.blogspot.com

So after we assisted with the filming of the video, I forceably removed myself from the project. Because after all, I have decided that they will just have to deal with the fact that you don't win everything and you have to learn to do things by yourself.

And I just wanted him to be proud of what he could achieve.

Otherwise the kid will wake up one day and they're 40 and still living at home with you.

And that my loyal readers just aint happening on my watch.

The July Holiday with added NASA

It's that time of the year when Dad on the Go and family pack up for a week or so and travel the country side. It's the school holidays and in order to get the minions out from behind their video games we get out of the house. So we pack ourselves up and get ready for Family time !
Along the way we remember why it may not be possible to spend long periods of time in confined spaces together , get over this and an hour later start all over again.

The trip to our nations capital now becoming an annual ritual we wanted to ensure we didn't do the same attractions (can you even use that term in Canberra ? ) over and over and so turned our attention to to the other possibilities.

Before that however, as per usual we split up to get to the final destination of Canberra. The eldest and I took the direct traditional politicians route - Flying. So off we went via Virgin Airlines and Canberra International airport, the title of which is a chuckle in itself.

Side note -Big tip to all you traveling dads - you can not put two slices of bread together with cheese in the middle and put it through those big toasters with the conveyor belt system. It will catch on fire.


The Beloved and the youngest decide to go via Rutherglen and a number of side attractions golf courses.

Once in the sunny but freezing suburb of Quanbeyan we had to start to make the hard decisions. The attraction (still not sure about that word) we eventually chose was the deep space communication complex. Its hidden deep in a mobile phone free area about 50km's outside Canberra.
The second you drive through the gates with the NASA logos and the mobiles and electronic equipment warning sign , you know it's going to be cool. They have a model of the Mars Rover vehicles and a complete video walk through of the upcoming Mars landing by the Rover " Curiosity" on the 6th of August. Just standing near these giant structures it is difficult to explain the immense size yet intricate workings that go into each array.

The volunteer inside took the time to explain the whole Mars rover landing process to us and gave us wads of info on how to download the space software the kids were using in the exhibits. The links are here because they are just unbelievable.

http://www.shatters.net/celestia/

http://www.stellarium.org/

 I give this two thumbs up. It's got something for the whole family.

 Then back to our hosts house for a side of lamb and some chickens cooked on the spit and UNO and Red wine. We went via a National park that boasted koala feeding sessions and plenty of wildlife. The Koala wasn't there and I do not consider a lake full of pelicans wildlife. This gets half a thumbs up, mainly because the kids had to walk a long way which is a good thing.

T

As we drove out of Canberra the next the warning lights flashed on the dash that icy roads were likely. With the outside temp at -3 Celsius, it was spot on. As we climbed through the Snowy mountains the temp rose and the sun peeked through the clouds. But our passengers were too busy digesting a lamb.

Arriving at the Gippsland lakes the weather turned on it's charm and tempted us to go fishing. No fish were evident but the views more than made up for this and it turns out you can really enjoy wine if you have a great view and some peace and quiet. Getting this peace and quiet involved sitting 500 meters away from the kids but you get my point.

Once again another great little break provided by this great nation and some great friends. I even managed to learn something along the way.

So I know what I'll be doing on the 6th of August. I'll be watching the landing on Mars and hoping that all goes well for them.

I just can't do jail - I'm way too soft

It's decided then.

Jail is just not a place that I can be.

The police are not polite, the guards don't like you, everybody shouts at you all the time and the food is an absolute disaster. Jail is just not a place that a polite middle aged man like me will ever survive.

As I did last year, again this year I have participated in the White Lion Bailout,  to raise much needed funds for disadvantaged youth in trouble and help support the programs that assist them in getting their lives back on track.

As a father of two young men on the way I am keen to help other youngsters find their way in the world without the problems and distractions that come at us  from all directions

Anyway once we had raised the requisite funds through a series of sausage sizzles, lolly sales and raffles we were ready to go.
That's the difference with this event - In order to participate you have to raise the required bail for each team member.

And I have to tell you in this day and age raising funds for charities has become guerrilla warfare. You need to be doing something different to attract donations not only for your charity, but even for your event to raise funds for your charity.
Everyone seems to have " wallet fatigue " for the huge number of charities trying to continue on with the work they do. It's sad that you can't help them all, but you simply have to decide what you are going to do and support and stick to it.

So after being processed (finger printed and photographed) it was off to the holding cells. As you can see they didn't seem to search us too well.

The toilets are not appealing at all, so you just hold on.

After all our time in the slammer we had our day in court.

I know its all light hearted and that they are creating an experience for us to remind us that these are kids in real trouble, but at some of the stations the message is particularly difficult.

When they began to show us how drugs are created and where they are hidden it was very clear that I will never be able to be a drug user.

The hardest stop is the padded cell in which they recreate a troubled girls life who didn't show up to her court appearance - because she is dead. The question left with us is - Who let her down ? The answer just isn't clear and raises many more questions in my mind.

So armed with the little bit of insight on how easy is is for kids to stray on to the wrong path and knowing that the things I do will contribute to how they make those decisions. I will be back next year to continue to help in any way I can whilst I try to raise two boys into two men  - who, like me are completely un-suited to jail.

Use it or lose it

I first  heard this statement when I was very young. It seemed such a "throwaway" line that could apply to almost anything.

Did it mean that if I didn't play with every one of my toys my parents would throw them out ?

Did it mean that things that sat in the corner of the house never being used would disappear ?
The whole thing just didn't make sense.

When I was in my teens , it seemed to be more a saying just for old people who sat around all day or office workers who sat behind their shiny Commodore 64's, after all  I was an over active teenager doing everything.

When I was in my twenties I was fine with it as I was still relatively active. My social life was taking off, so I was still doing all sorts of stuff. In fact I barely even thought about it.

When I was in my thirties I thought I was doing fine. But the when I look back at the photos - I was a big guy. Too much of a good time was being had.

And certainly very little activity was going on.

The Beloved and I got married and along came the kids and I started to get active again. After all try being sedentary with two boys and see how that goes.

So I've always tried to get some activity in to what ever were doing even down to simply trying to ride or walk to work.  We even try to ensure holidays encompass some physical activity. But when its 3 degrees outside and raining, the urge is somewhat lessened.

And how many of us have set out the training gear the night before and mentally decided what we're going to do, gone to bed only to wake up in the morning and have no difficulty saying  to ourselves - tomorrow.

So when I discovered this article This is the full study I was impressed. Somebody had actually taken the time to look at the old adage and see if it was true. A simplified version can be found here This is the Explain it like I'm Five version and it fuelled me on to continue being active.

Which leads me to why I am at the start line of what is arguably one of the more difficult things to do on a Sunday - a Triathlon.

The start line is at St Kilda beach and I have to really try not to worry about swallowing any water as it will probably kill me with all the crap that's apparently in it.

image courtesy of jenius.com.au

I'm wearing a fluoro orange bathing cap and seem to be the only person not wearing a wetsuit. There's a lovely southerly blowing ensuring I'm not only the coldest person there but also the whitest.

I'm sucking my stomach in and hoping that the others around me with chiseled abs are doing the same thing.

The waves on the water look little but the groups already in the water ahead of me look a bunch of black socks in a washing machine.

An hour and a bit later I'm done.

And I mean done.

Individually each activity is fine, but when you put them all together in one event the whole dynamic changes.

I did learn a couple of things along the way such as :

- You can't eat a muesli bar whilst riding a bike at 35 kph. Which is probably why they make everything for athletes in that disgusting, easy to consume "gel". Oh and by the way its not gel - its more like really thick snot.
- Always organise someone to pick you up from your event. It's very, very difficult to ride home afterwards.

So as I lay out my bike gear for the next days exercise, I wonder what the early morning discussion in my brain will sound like.......

Go
or
Not going..........

Dealing with Loss

I don't deal well with loss.

There I said it.

I really hate it when I had something and then I don't. Or worse when someone else had something and now no longer does.  ( I'm glaring at the moment at the other occupants of the house ). I know I'm not alone.

Nothing frustrates me more than when someone loses something of yours. And don't get me wrong I'm not just focusing on the cost of goods now days. Even though thirty years ago you could by 20cents of mixed lollies and they would last the walk home.
Now you have to by $20 dollars worth and hope the 8 lollies you get, last the drive home or an inter-car boxing tournament will break out.

No - I'm talking about caring. I think that if you're upset about the loss then you care.

Image courtesy videosonar.com

I once had a physical altercation with the refrigeration because I though it had lost my squeezy bottle of Dijonaise (you know the one Adrian Richardson advertises ?) Why , because I care. Plus that stuff is awesome on sandwiches.

It's quite frustrating seeing that look of  "Oh well I'll have to get another one " just drives me nuts.

It's not OK. You lost it.

Think about when you were at school. At the start of the year you are given beautiful fresh books, a set of pens, paper,pencils coloured pencils, Textas and an array of sharpeners erasers etc.

But by the middle of the year whats left ? 3 Half chewed HB pencils, 4 Textas with no lids and some of the coloured pencils.

Image courtesy of mypigeonpair.blogspot.com

Now I get why my Father would get so cranky about me leaving his tools around the yard. He expected that if I would use them then I would afford the tool the usual courtesy of returning it to where it came from.

The issue is for a long time I was under the impression that if I left something in a certain spot that was because I would know to go back there to get it.

Let me illustrate how it works :

I get home and I want to change out of my "good " clothes into something comfortable ( for a long time this was just my jocks ) so I take of the good clothes and leave them on the floor. Exactly where I will be able to find them again later.

Why ? Because that way they will be where I could find them when I next need them.

Now let me illustrate how this all fell apart:

When the beloved first moved in she had commented that my "filing system " of on the floor was not suitable. I took this as "advice " ie It wasn't a set in stone rule. After a few more mentions, I had left clothes etc on the floor and then gone out to work. When I came home my clothes and other items left on the floor were now in the yard under a sprinkler.

The system was abandoned in favour of the new "advice".

So now I patiently try to teach the Minions that yes you can use my stuff and no you cannot leave it where ever you think you will remember it.

And I wonder how my Father put up with it all.......

Matching Kids to sports

When I was a little kid I watched my sister learn to swim. I decided I could do that and away we both went. Turns out we were both pretty good at it and we joined a club and I ended up "retired' at about 19 years of age and went in to the work force never to  look back. The decision wasn't too difficult, when I was swimming there wasn't a lot any of money in it, so once I discovered you could work and get paid - I was off.

I'm a fairly chatty bloke so swimming may not have been a great choice for me, as you spend 2 hours a day twice a day, 6 days a week with most of your face and body under water and this does not lend itself to chatting. So I would have to start the conversation at each end when everybody was assembled and then carry it on though the session at each rest period. Which is no mean feat as you have to remember where you are in the conversation and the session you are supposed to be focused on.

Image courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

Actually now that I think about it if I had focused as much on the training as I did the chatting, I probably would have gone even faster and got yelled at a lot less by the coach.

So this leads me to my point ( bear with me I'll get there)

I now have two bundles of joy of my own and they are starting to reach the age where they are getting serious about sport. I want them to enjoy the experience and I certainly want them to get a sense of being part of a  team ( you don't get that in swimming ) and the responsibility that brings.

So here I am looking at each minion and trying to match them with a sport (which will also be parent friendly) and that ticks all the boxes above.

Ands it's hard not to want / expect that every time they run on to the arena that they will be the next big super star and be whisked way to a life of luxury and security (with me as their manager).

So lets have a look at the mainstream sports on offer now days for boys -

Aussie Rules Football - Not a sport for the faint hearted parent. If seeing little Bobby get his head driven into the ground and him return covered in mud and grass stains gives you shivers then try something else. Even with the extra rules to protect the little ones, it's still injury prone. Mind you nothing is quite as funny as watching little kids running up and down those huge grounds chasing an oval shaped ball that just won't bounce the way they want it to. It's kinda like herding cats.

Basketball - This gets a big tick from me, 2 halves of 18 minutes, it's indoors. Will not suit children who don't like running. Basketball is a very intense sport and I actually really enjoy watching it. The boys seem to get satisfaction from everybody on the team getting the chance to get scores on the board. I will however issue a caution, if your beloved lacks spatial awareness, carry a lot of tissues for the inevitable blood noses.

Soccer - Less heads being driven in to the ground than football.  Still plenty of grass stains and mud to keep the kids smiling and the washing machines on over drive. Does require attendance when raining so can be a little trying.

Cricket - This involves sitting around waiting, then you get to stand around waiting. As parents you sit around waiting on the sidelines. I'd pack a lot of snacks and wine coffee. Great for kids who never get bored and don't mind nothing exciting happening. Ever.

I know there's heaps more but only so much space.

So it sounds simple I hear you say, we pick a sport and show up ? As Admiral Akbar always says - "It's a trap !"

Image courtesy of knowyourmeme.com

After you have paid your not un-substantial joining fee and uniform fee, each week you will be given a task to assist with on game day. The task could be something simple like cutting up the oranges or buying the snakes for the end of the game. It could however be umpiring or even worse - scoring.

Woe behold if you get scoring and you make a mistake. Before you will get a chance to correct it hordes of parents will point out your error and hopefully for you its not a close game or it can get really awkward. Some of these parents take U9 sports very, very seriously.

So as Saturday rolls around and we fire up the family Taxi to get everybody to the various events, I thank my lucky stars that neither of them are interested in synchronized swimming.....

Entertaining. It's like flying a plane you know

My earliest memories of dinner parties that my parents held are my sister and I getting up early  the morning after when the sophistication has gone and all that's left is some  Carrs Water crackers with a slice off egg and a small teaspoon of fish roe on top. The "caviar" has stained the egg slightly black but it's still a mouthful of adulthood - snuck while they are still asleep. The remnants are cleaned up quietly and the room is done.

The next room holds a a treasure trove of half finished deserts, dirty coffee cups with their rims gently marked with lipstick of all shades and in the center of the table - the ultimate prize - Tulip After dinner mints. The rectangle white box and the mint - in a small brown envelope - was what we were here for. You could sit up in the big chairs around the table and slide the mint out of the envelope and then put the envelope back in the box. The perfect crime.

After all how were they going to remember how many had been eaten ?

The rooms still smelt faintly of cigarette smoke and stale perfume. All of which to us was just another example of complete sophistication.

The diner parties were strictly off limits whilst they were in full swing. If you were going to interrupt it you better have either Ebola or have been the victim of a shark attack. Children were to be not seen and certainly not heard

My parents were the masters of entertaining, everything was perfect, from the gold rimed Noritake dinner set to the individually polished silver cutlery. The guests would arrive and champagne corks and polite laughter would pepper the evening, and then after a while they would all move from the lounge room to the dining room to consume delights prepared earlier.

Image courtesy of http://3.bp.blogspot.com

Well that was the 70's and 80's. Fast forward to today and the pressure to entertain well is akin to being a pilot of a 747. One wrong move and lives are at stake.

I'm blessed to be married to a woman whose attention to detail makes OCD look like a common cold so I'm ahead of the crowd from the start. But don't think that makes it any easier, nowadays Masterchef and every other TV chef proclaim to be able to make even The Incredible Hulk able to cook up a five course meal in 30 minutes or less. So the expectation is already set.

And to make matters worse the meals have to good for you as well, because the minute you re-create Adrian Richardson's Crackling Wrapped Pork Roast  with mash and tarragon salad, some one pipes up with the calorie count and the next thing you know the forks start going down on the table.

Now days portion control is a major point of contention. Serve up an American portion and you'll be howled down, serve a big plate with the food as a desert island swimming in an ocean of sauce and people will look to you for assurances that there a  lot more courses to come. You simply can't win.

There's now even a movement of people who only use ingredients that are transported  less than 100 kms away from where they are, which is fine but that would mean I would have to start keeping cows and banana trees in the park around the corner. Which would be pretty hilarious watching all the people walking their dogs in the park trying to stop them from eating cow pats.

image courtesy of gorenm.com

Anyway entertaining has certainly changed and if the people you are inviting over have even the remotest interest in food and you don't want them to get  Social Commitment Phobia when you invite them over, you can't just slap some Coles sausages on plates and hope for the best.

No,  you are going to have to do research, preparation and planning. Which means you have to get all those cookbooks down from the shelf and read them.

Again I'm luckily ahead of most people as we have been given a plethora of cookbooks over the years from which to research from. I often wonder with all the millions of cook books purchased/gifted if anybody actually makes dishes out of them (besides us) or are they simply used as a conspicuous display of knowledge.

So next time your better half says " Hey we should have our friends /family over for [insert occasion here] " I'd think twice especially if they don't like Coles sausages....