Friday, February 3, 2012

Why I can't be a spy

I really like spy movies.

I love the intrigue, the mystery of who is spying on who and the really big question - who are the good guys ? Spy movies tend to take us in to that perceived "underground " of our society. They show the threats we apparently never see and never hear about.

After all when you think about the agencies that ran the cold war during the 60's and 70's they were literally built on ensuring we were all afraid of something we couldn't see or had happened yet.

I would really love to be a spy, I mean look how glamorous it looks ! Cool gadgets, exotic locations, the positives around this obviously cool career are endless.

But when I sit down to analyse it , I have some, well, challenges........

#1- I can't drive - Spies seem to do a lot of driving. They drive to assignments, they get into lots of car chases and generally spend a lot of time in and around cars. My challenge is I am not a good driver. I like to look around constantly to see whats around. I also suffer from acute drivers rage, meaning I really hate everything other drivers do and the perceived wrong they have caused me.

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I just can't see me riding to assignments on a bike......

#2- Not great with  Never used a gun - Hard one to over come  as I literally have zero experience with guns. I know you get training but it will be most likely that I shoot myself in the foot. I also have a slight problem with killing people.

#3- Couldn't have a separate life from my family - I cannot lie to my wife. I look in to those crystal blue eyes and confess everything. Our whole marriage is built around us talking and discussing everything that is going on. And then there's the boys, how cool would it be to go home and tell them I just added a virus to an evil lab that caused it to stop producing a super bacteria and instead made a popcorn tree that pops when the sun hits it.

#4- I love to gossip - Nothing better than a good solid gossip about the world. So I would just find it impossible to hold in that X diplomat is secretly enjoying the company of Y's wife. This would also be a problem if I was captured and tortured - my captors would pretty much run out of video tapes with all the stuff I'd be telling them.
image courtesy of
#5 I am quite forgetful - If I was to become a double agent who then got re-doubled, that's going to be a real problem. I once had to set an outlook reminder each month for 6 months of the year as I kept forgetting my wife's birthday.

#6 I see the good in people - I have a bit of a problem believing that people are all bad. I would want to keep giving people second chances, which could cause issues later down the track. Probably nothing worse than continually running into people you were supposed to "take care of " but didn't.

So I guess rather than become a spy and end up like the cast of "Spies like Us" that classic 80's comedy

Russian Interrogator : Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger. 
Emmett Fitz-Hume:  Mine or yours? 
Russian Interrogator :  Yours. 
Emmett Fitz-Hume:  Damn! 

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.........

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