A new honour - Wizpert (or Dad on the Go Live ! )

Sometimes in doing what you love and are passionate about, some one says "Hey you are the kinda person we are looking for !"

But after some smarty pants nominated me for "Best Mom Blogger " and then a number of you voted for me, I was wary of such invitations.

So you can imagine my surprise when I was invited to join Wizpert, a service that matches you with an expert on the subject that you need advice on. So I dutifully filled out the details and away I went. I ticked the parenting box as I felt my travel and foreign language expertise could be a best considered poor.

And lets face it who better to talk to than the guy that did this and this to new jeans to get advice on avoiding such issues.

I also have the great privilege of talking to the CEO Michael Weinberg, about my blog and being part of Wizpert. He is a father of two and looks just like I expected an entrepreneur to look like - switched on and energetic.

So now you can talk to Dad on the Go live on Skype ( it's free ) and who knows maybe we can discuss avoiding this !

Why I can't be a spy

I really like spy movies.

I love the intrigue, the mystery of who is spying on who and the really big question - who are the good guys ? Spy movies tend to take us in to that perceived "underground " of our society. They show the threats we apparently never see and never hear about.

After all when you think about the agencies that ran the cold war during the 60's and 70's they were literally built on ensuring we were all afraid of something we couldn't see or had happened yet.

I would really love to be a spy, I mean look how glamorous it looks ! Cool gadgets, exotic locations, the positives around this obviously cool career are endless.

But when I sit down to analyse it , I have some, well, challenges........

#1- I can't drive - Spies seem to do a lot of driving. They drive to assignments, they get into lots of car chases and generally spend a lot of time in and around cars. My challenge is I am not a good driver. I like to look around constantly to see whats around. I also suffer from acute drivers rage, meaning I really hate everything other drivers do and the perceived wrong they have caused me.

image courtesy of ursispaltenstein.ch

I just can't see me riding to assignments on a bike......

#2- Not great with  Never used a gun - Hard one to over come  as I literally have zero experience with guns. I know you get training but it will be most likely that I shoot myself in the foot. I also have a slight problem with killing people.

#3- Couldn't have a separate life from my family - I cannot lie to my wife. I look in to those crystal blue eyes and confess everything. Our whole marriage is built around us talking and discussing everything that is going on. And then there's the boys, how cool would it be to go home and tell them I just added a virus to an evil lab that caused it to stop producing a super bacteria and instead made a popcorn tree that pops when the sun hits it.

#4- I love to gossip - Nothing better than a good solid gossip about the world. So I would just find it impossible to hold in that X diplomat is secretly enjoying the company of Y's wife. This would also be a problem if I was captured and tortured - my captors would pretty much run out of video tapes with all the stuff I'd be telling them.

image courtesy of newspaper.li

#5 I am quite forgetful - If I was to become a double agent who then got re-doubled, that's going to be a real problem. I once had to set an outlook reminder each month for 6 months of the year as I kept forgetting my wife's birthday.

#6 I see the good in people - I have a bit of a problem believing that people are all bad. I would want to keep giving people second chances, which could cause issues later down the track. Probably nothing worse than continually running into people you were supposed to "take care of " but didn't.

So I guess rather than become a spy and end up like the cast of "Spies like Us" that classic 80's comedy

Russian Interrogator : Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger. 
Emmett Fitz-Hume:  Mine or yours? 
Russian Interrogator :  Yours. 
Emmett Fitz-Hume:  Damn! 


I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.........

How to get bat blood out of your couch

Stains are a part of everybody's life. As a Dad your going to come across some pretty interesting stuff. Some times you will be the stainer and sometimes it's the others who require assistance. Bottom line is you need to know how to remove some basic ( and other types ) of stains.

But first back to the title of this post. How did we get and then get rid of bat blood ?

We had left our intrepid In Laws in charge of the house whilst we went to see some New Year fireworks. "Somebody" left the wire screen door open and of course as could only happen to us a bat flew in the gap and started flying around the room, only to collide with the full speed ceiling fan peacefully attempting to cool down the house.

It bounced once and flopped on the couch.

Got its bearings and immediately took off into the fan again this time doing real damage and landed bleeding and stunned on the couch

A note about the couch - this is no ordinary couch, it was bought after much deliberating and sitting (on couches) , it's so huge it had to be hauled up to the balcony and brought in through the doors as it didn't fit up the stairs. The covering is micro suede and it wraps you up and makes you forget about the world whilst it lulls you to sleep. 

To say the beloved is obsessive about no stains on the couch is a gross understatement, at one stage we were only allowed clear drinks in case we spilt something ( so red wine was definitely out.

It was stain guarded within an inch of it's life but this doesn't matter.

So here we are with a blood stained couch, a mother in law locked in her room, a father in law holding the dog like Paris Hilton at a media event and no sign of the bat.

So the first thing was to....

Get the blood off the couch. The bat can wait. 

Soda water was procured (cold, as hot water sets the blood ) and off it came.

Stains come at you from any angle , grass , dirt, grease, kiwi fruit on a wall, funny black dust from the back of a mat, the list goes on.


Most of my help came from a book called Gloria's helpful household hints, because you have to be prepared and ready to remove any stain well before discovery if at all possible.

And as all of you know sometimes it's just too hard to explain how the stain came about.

Image courtesy of tips.cleaninghouselondon.co.uk

Battery Acid - will come out with a little bi-card soda and water. Mix it into a paste and let it dry. Scrape it off and sponge the stain.
Oil - Spread lots of talcum powder over the stain and then put some paper towel on top. You need to put the whole thing in a warm place because you want the oil to heat up and be drawn in to the powder and towel. You will need your patience on this one.
Cordial on carpet - Try a good carpet stain powder and then wash lightly with some Napisan in warm water

Over time you will find that you can build up a handy little repertoire of tricks to keep any child or object relatively clean whilst on your watch. This will help you
a) Stay married and
b) Look like you know what you are doing as a parent

And for the record -  I found the little fruit bat clinging to the curtains and released him into a tree. I hope he mentions my kindness to his other more larger and dangerous friends.

Man Shopping vs Woman shopping

Well I'm back from my holidays with the family and I will post some photos etc later on. All in all another outstanding holiday with the family.

This week I want to discuss the serious ( not for me) business of shopping.

Hands up if you go shopping with your better half. Keep your hand up if it takes more than 4 hours. I bet you're also the person sitting outside the store on the benches waiting for browsing to be completed. Just about all of us will have their hands up right now.

Shopping is a mystery to me, I just don't understand browsing and not buying. Or browsing 20 stores and then going back to one of the items you browsed for, 7 stores ago and didn't buy, to buy it.

The logic itself defies me.

This is how I shop,

1 - Discover there's a hole (insert other requirement to purchase new item ) in my shoes / pants / shirt etc.
2 - Go to shop that has shoes / shirts / socks etc for sale to men ( you simply can not wear womens clothes to work )
3 - Purchase shoes / shirt / socks etc
4 - Leave store
5 - Go home

Men walk in, buy it and walk out. None of this browsing business.

I have noticed however to some shoppers, shopping is a not spectator sport. It is seriously competitive. If you are saying to yourself " No it's not - what's he talking about? "

This man has clearly been drugged

It starts in the car park. Why on this green earth do you have to get the parking spot closest to the front door of the store. And why do you have to wait for the current person to leave it - Even if that means holding up every other person trying to park.

Car parks seem to be treated as very large demolition derby's to find the "best" possible parking spot.

Once these athletes have completed the first task it's time to start browsing . But again there is no method to this madness. Nothing kills me more than when they randomly stop right in the middle of the walkways. It's the same as if you pulled out of a car spot on a major road and just stopped to do something else.

Oh wait I've seen someone do that ......

It's then on for young and old to get straight in to their shopping. I once went to a book store in the city for a laugh. There was 70 people in the queue waiting to buy books that they could buy online and download whilst in the store.
And the really funny thing was most of them were so bored they were all surfing on their smart-phones.

Anyway back to shopping, after spending money they probably don't have it's back to the car park to demolition derby their way out of the car park. Same skill set on the way out. Take any gap and any opportunity they see and other people be dammed.

As a side note - have you noticed the steel bolted on the side of the concrete pillars in car parks - it's there to protect the pillar. Seriously.

So next weekend if you are bored, take a trip down to the shopping centers and watch the mayhem. But my advice - ride your bike or catch public transport.

Lasagne alla Cacciatora (Hunter’s Lasagne)
adapted from Jamie Oliver’s “Jamie’s Italy”

600 gms shredded roasted meat we ended up with nearer to 800gm

The original recipe calls for Hen Pheasant, wild rabbit and pigeon

But we substituted
200 gm mined pork
200 gm minced veal
200 gm minced beef
2 x duck breasts shredded
added to roasted lamb noisettes, roasted kangaroo and 2 chicken Maryland's roasted  (all were then shredded)
 We browned the minced meat and added it to the shredded meat before adding to the sauce

2 packs of fresh lasagne sheets
Grated Parmesan cheese
260 gm ball of mozzarella cheese (about 10 oz)
handful of fresh sage leaves
olive oil

Tomato Sauce:2 tbsp olive oil
5 cloves of garlic, peeled and sliced
2 sprigs of fresh rosemary
3 fresh bay leaves
2- cans of diced tomatoes
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

White Sauce:
1 litre milk
2 large sprigs of parsley
large pinch of nutmeg
1 onion, peeled and sliced
12 whole black peppercorns
80gm butter
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
Grated Parmesan cheese
sea salt and freshly ground white pepper

1. Heat a deep pan with the oil and slowly fry the garlic over medium heat until it starts to change colour.
2. Add the rosemary, bay leaves and tomatoes, cook over medium low for 45 minutes with a lid on.
3. Bring the milk, parsley, nutmeg, onion and peppercorns to a gentle boil in a sauce pan.
4. Melt the butter in a third large pan over medium heat.
5. Slowly add the flour to the butter and whisk it in until smooth.
6. Strain the milk, keeping the milk and discarding the solids.
7. Add the milk to the flour and butter a ladle at a  time and whisk it in until fully incorporated and continue until all the milk has been added.
8. Bring the milk mixture to a boil, simmer for a few minutes then remove from the heat.
9. Add the Parmesan to the milk mixture and season with salt and pepper.
10. Slice the tofu into small 2cm cubes add to the tomato sauce. If the sauce is very dry add some hot water and season with salt and pepper.
11. Simmer for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.
12. Remove the rosemary and bay leaves.

Assembling:

1. Preheat oven to 180 degree C
2. Spray a 9″ x 13″ pan with vegetable spray.
3. Lay two or three sheets of the pasta on the bottom of the pan.
4. Add 1/2 of the tomato sauce, cover with 1/3 of the white sauce and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.
5. Add two or three sheets of pasta and tomato sauce, white sauce and Parmesan cheese.
6. Repeat until all the tomato sauce is used. Keep some white sauce for the top of the lasagne.
7. On the final layer add your pasta, white sauce, Parmesan cheese.
8. Rip up the mozzarella cheese and add that to the top.
9. Sprinkle with the sage leaves, and drizzle with olive oil.
10. Bake for 45 minutes or until golden brown.

School Holidays are expensive

The school holidays are upon us once again. It's that time of the year that the wallet is used as a public ATM by anyone providing suitable (or not) ways of keeping the minions entertained or a least mildly amused enough to not destroy the house or its surrounds.

Lets face it it's not easy. You can't just say " guys, lets read this book" and hand them War and Peace and hope for the best.

No you have to come up with ideas and places that aren't  going to get - "Dad this is so lame"

This is where the devil is in the detail. The good stuff aint free. Take for example the time we went to a fish farm. Turns out whatever you catch you have to keep and pay for. Not only that, these fish have been waiting for you , in tiny bath tubs size ponds, to show up so they can commit suicide on your child's hook.

Over and Over again.

Couple of tips for all the readers for attending fish farms :
1- Do not hand any child the wooden club used to kill the fish and let them have a go at clubbing the fish they just caught. It just ends as a broken thumb.

2 - Do not let them fish in the salmon pond, those fish are huge (and 30 bucks a kilo)

So $150.00 later we are back in the car and heading home where I will eat baked beans on toast for the next month interspersed with trout and salmon 90 different ways.

Theme parks are another great little money removing system. They not only charge you to get in and ride on the rides, but manage to charge for food at the same rate as Vue de Monde. Not to mention the fact that  I'm pretty sure they add sugar to everything they serve to keep the kids hyped up and going all day.

And as soon as they start to come down from one sugar high you give them more, because we all know nothing is worse than them crashing in a public place surrounded by the disapproving glare of 3000 other parents.

Then you have the movie complex. Where else can you watch the latest film on a screen the size of a house whilst munching on a box popcorn the size of a domestic refrigerator, that cost the same as the GDP of Great Britain and contains enough salt for 6 lifetimes ?

At least they put adult jokes in most kids movies now days and most still contain a fart joke somewhere so it's not a total loss, but I will need to drink my own body weight in water afterwards.

Trouble is if I don't do something they will just sit in front of the TV watching Sponge Bob interspersed with video games ( if they they're really motivated they will sit in front of the TV with their laptop). So I have to come up with something.

So I tried taking them to work. It's fine until they need to go to the toilet in the middle of meetings - every 15 minutes. Not to mention the fact they aren't covered by work insurance so every time someone from HR comes around they have to hide under your desk.

Holiday camps presented themselves as an alternative. They take your kids to movies, parks, aquariums and other such exciting places. Trouble is not only do you pay for the places they take them and anything they eat, you pay an extraordinary amount to actually get them to take them. We have two growing boys so each time we use these camps I have to ring the bank manager and extend the mortgage.

I know I'm not alone on this problem and who hasn't secretly wished the industrial revolution was back so the kids all had to work in the mills ?

So once again we rack our brains for ideas, begging babysitting credits from Grandparents and organizing play dates with other non working parents.

So on we soldier and know in our hearts that one they will be old enough to manage themselves and the holidays. But until the kids turn 30, I am just going to have to continue to search for new and interesting things to get them to do.

That and get a second job....

The challenge of becoming a Husband

I was listening to a conversation about getting married the other day and it made me think of when I was trying desperately to become a husband.

There's no real way to dress it up - It was a long up hill battle. And lets face it, when have I ever made stuff I want to do, easy for myself.

I had met the Future Bride at a party of a friend. Due to the nature of the party we were left as the only two people standing (literally) and just kept on chatting. A few more dates pass and I had decided that this was the woman I wanted to marry (or at least spend as much time with as possible before someone else snagged her)

image courtesy of weddingcaketoppers.net.au

We started to get pretty serious, she would stop on the way home from work (night shifts) to see me and we would go to parties and out to dinners together when ever possible.

I once even slept in her car out the front of the house after a party, which was all going unnoticed until I got busted doing a pee on the nature strip.

So time moves by and there we were travelling nicely as a couple, until the Parents in law To Be went away and we decided to spend the week together at my place. The plan was simple, we would go back to her parents house each day or so to water the plants and feed the dog.

The dog gets fed, the plants get watered and I get uninterrupted access to the dream girl.

Easy. No one gets hurt.

The neighbor ratted us out.

Now here's where it gets tough for any potential suitor. Her mother was less than pleased and immediately I was labeled as trouble. To come back from here was going to be tough. The relationship with my mother-in-law to be was not good.

Oh who am I kidding, there was no relationship.

So here's Tip #1 - Build a good relationship with your proposed family in laws.

So as you can guess I did what any husband to be should do. I went to every family function and did what ever I could to be helpful. Dishes, serving food, helping, cooking food. You name it I did it. Because at this point I was on the bottom of the family ladder.

So now I'm working towards the engagement. We were going on a holiday and I had decided to surprise her with a useful travel item (pre Sept -11 days) a Swiss army knife. Somehow I manged to describe this "surprise"  that made it sound exactly like an engagement ring. She was beyond disappointed. I still haven't lived that one down.

So here's Tip #2 Do not try and surprise her with small gifts. Get really big ones until after the engagement. In fact no small gifts until after the wedding as all small gifts may will be misconstrued as diamonds.

image courtesy of tunningdiamonds.com.au

When it's time to ask her father for permission to marry his daughter, take your time and do not rush this meeting. It is full of traps.
Firstly choose the time and place carefully. Also if he points out an attractive woman - For goodness sake DON'T look.

When her father asks you how your job is going he not asking to be polite, Oh no he is ensuring you can look after his daughter and eventually his grand-kids so don't bore him with what a jerk the guy opposite is or how dumb your boss is. Keep it simple and to the point - You have a job and it pays.

If somehow you manage to make it past this point, don't think you are out of the woods just yet.

The proposal itself is for her just as critical as the wedding day. It has to able to be able to be recounted to all her friends and gain the ever sought after "he's soooo romantic, I wish my [insert term for other half here] was more like him !". The Wife To Be will expect you to get down on one knee as well.

And don't be put off by those stupid rom-coms where it all goes wrong and then is suddenly the most romantic thing on earth, that never happens. Just keep it in line with things she likes to do with you (not paintball or go-carting) and work from there.

Tip #3 Remember the proposal is like the diamonds you're going to eventually have to buy her  - Forever.

So think carefully and plan.

The biggest challenge I found was just be yourself. Your Wife To Be is going out with you because of you, nothing else ( unless you are a mining magnate and if you are - get a pre-nup). I got all caught up in trying to be perfect / make everything perfect and usually ended up just making it harder for myself.

And as I always remind people, you have to work at your marriage - it takes patience and persistence and most of all planning ! So you are going to have to work at becoming a husband as well.

So as I sit here typing away, looking back on 13 years of marriage I say to you - get on to it - its a cracker and you won't regret it.